PENSIONER ON BUS

PENSIONER ON BUS


Pensioner

Pick up the phone. PLEASE! I know you're there. JUST PICK UP THE PHONE..PICK..UP...THE...PHONE..PICK THE PHONE UP.....Why do you REFUSE to answer my calls all the time?... I am just calling to let you know that I will be home soon...I have been stucked on the bus for 5 minutes. There's a fat woman beside me. Her baby WILL NOT stop crying. It's driving me INSANE. My back is killing me. ..There is a TWAT sitting in front of me....HE SMELLS.....I don't wanna take another bus. When I get off this one, I'll just walk it home....I will wALK IT HOME. I don't want you to pick me up anywhere. It's fine. It will not take me long to walk it home. Don't worry. It will kill me to get on another bus today.... You dont have to pick me up. I'll be fine. I thought you said you were BUSY and that's why you could'nt pick up the phone. Just continue watching YOU'RE usc football until I get there....FOR HEAVEN SAKE! Okay, meet me at KFC....You don't know where KFC is?...OKAY FORGET IT. I'll walk it home by myself. It's just opposite Mcdonald's....COME ON DRIVER!....I TOLD you, K F C....GET OFF THE PHONE! I don't know why you picked it up in the first place. UGH!

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SIDEWALK THEATRE and SIDEWALK LOOKS http://www.facebook.com/allthaTRAGE

SIDEWALK LOOKS http://sidewalknarratives.blogspot.com/

Pedestrians' Rage

Cyclist approaches Rage with his dog on a leash



CYCLIST(mouths)

Get out the way! Move!


RAGE(mouths back)

Hang on a minute. You're riding a bicycle on the sidewalk? And you are demanding that I move out the way? I DON’T THINK SO!



CYCLIST(mouths)

YES! And stop perving on me, I am not Heidi Montag



RAGE

Fudge that! I will kick you hard in your balls, you know. Don’t mess with me.



CYCLIST

In your dreams



RAGE(screams)

Get off the sidewalk and get on the road!



CYCLIST

If you don’t wanna see me ride my bike on the sidewalk, then get the fudge off. Walk somewhere else. Anywhere I ride my bicycle; the likes of you should not walk there.



RAGE(mouths)

Oh! So you own the sidewalk now? I'll teach you a lesson!



CYCLIST(mocks)

Oh! So you're the boss for the sidewalk now?



RAGE

Sorry you poor dog. You should not be punished for your master’s misdeed. But I am afraid, you are gonna get it too



CYCLIST

If you harm my dog, you will have to harm me as well. I will run you down and break your fudgeing neck.....I prefer to run you over than to be run over by a motorist. It's not safe at all to ride on the road. I am scared.



RAGE

It’s not safe to ride a bike at all…it’s best to go about your business in a car



CYCLIST

No can do. My New Year’s resolution was not to put on weight



RAGE(laughs)

Was it to take it off?



Just as they are about to pass each other, Rage deliberately stomps into a puddle of dirty water which splashes squarely into the cyclist’s face.



Rage roars in laughter.



CYCLIST

That’s not nice. Has anyone ever been this horrible to you?



The dog hardly got wet but it whimpers then scampers around the bike




RAGE

As a matter of fact, yes. SO since I did the same to you, just call it KARMA



Cyclist spins his bike around in a rage and chases Rage



CYCLIST

Well, I have a little déjà vu for you. Hope you'll like it



RAGE (jeers)

You are on a bike for Christ’s sake! Can't you go any faster than 2 miles an hour



CYCLIST

Maybe not, but BEWARE!



RAGE

You will have to catch me first. But you are ALREADY running last, so I dont see how you gonna catch me first.


Cyclist slowly unwinds the leash and sets the dog on Rage.



RAGE

Get a life you darn dog! If I had my paintball gun, I would not think twice what I'd would have done with it.



Dog chases Rage. Rage starts to walk a lot faster



RAGE

Hey turtle. Your dog is a little faster than you. Are you feeling proud or ashamed?




Cyclist let go off the leash completely. Dog catches Rage. Rage kicks at the dog's head but misses.



RAGE

Fudge! I Think I better walk for my life.



CYCLE

If I were you I would try RUNNING for your life - too late now anyway



RAGE

I never run. Why should I when I can walk at top speed? I am always ahead. I know I can do it this time as well.



Rage increases his speed a little more. The dog gets angrier, springs on Rage's rear and bites it. Rage cries out in pain.



CYCLIST( loud laughter)

I hope you have learnt your lesson, you sidewalk bully!



RAGE

Thank your lucky stars I have decided not to teach you a lesson




CYCLIST

MOUSE!



RAGE

I am a man, not a mouse. I just don't have the bail money. However, you still do not have the right to ride your bike on the sidewalk. So I am ready to fight you all the way to round 12 to defend the sidewalk norms....



CYCLIST

Bring it on! As you can see, I am still riding on the sidewalk as we speak..so what you gonna do about it



RAGE

Not today. Don't let me catch you tommorrow or any other day


Dog chew on Rages foot. Rage kick at it defiantly.



CYCLIST

MOUSE!



RAGE

I know you just withdraw money from RBC bank. Apart from your dog that BARKS alot....



CYCLIST

....and BITES rears



RAGE

....there are no witnesses, so if I were you, I would turn around and go about my business.



CYCLIST

You didnt you allow me to go about my business. did you? there is no real danger when cyclist ride on the sidewalk - only PERCEIVED. so you should have just leave me alone



RAGE

I am only doing my job. If it was safe for cyclist to ride on the sidewalk, that big sign saying CYCLIST NOT ALLOWED would not be there



CYCLIST

I get nauseous and nervous when I ride on the street



RAGE

If I catch you riding on the sidewalk again, when I finish with you, you will wish you were only feeling nauseous and nervous...The sidewalks are just for pedestrians.




CYCLIST (protests)

But I heard it's okay to ride on the sidewalk if you have a child on the back



RAGE

Do you have a child?



CYCLIST

No. But I might be a father someday



RAGE

Too much information....listen, I'll let you off today. You may ride on the sidewalk if you feel the need to do so. But you must make a swift detour if you see a pedestrian coming your way.



CYCLIST

Who do you think you are? You are not even fit to be a sidewalk cop. Everyone thinks you are a bully who push and kick pensioners, handcaps and children out of the way....



RAGE

....As soon as the pedestrian has passed, then you may re-enter the sidewalk.



CYCIST

I think you are actively trying to let me lose my respect for you and all other sidewalk cops



RAGE

For safety reasons, only people under 16 are allowed to ride on the sidewalk. You are behaving like a CHILD but you are a grown man. So you are clearly exempted. I really don’t give a fudge if you lose respect for me because I am doing my job properly


CYCLIST

Are you calling me old?



RAGE

I am calling you an ADULT. Do you have a problem with that. Would you like to make an official complaint to my superiors?



CYCLIST

Is it too much to ask for equality



RAGE

Look! Riding your bike is on the sidewalk is not allowed because it is dangerous. When you do so with a dog on a leash, you become more of a menace. I try to engage you....



CYCLIST

A menace? A menace to who? To what?



RAGE

To everyone!



CYCLIST

Everyone like who?



RAGE

Industry, commerce, trade.....



CYCLIST

....Are you out of your mind? You are so funny. You know that, right?



RAGE

I tried to engage you in a civil manner about your wrong doing but you do not care. Next time, I will do no such thing. I will just FINE you.



CYCLIST

I am confused. I rode on the streets yesterday and a driver said he would run me over if he ever caught me riding my bicycle on the streets as if it’s a motorized vehicle, today you are threatening me with a fine for riding on the sidewalk. My mother always said I should ride on the sidewalk. I have never disobeyed my mother.



RAGE

Sidewalk for pedestrians! If you love the sidewalk so much, then just give up the fudgeing bicycle


A powered wheel-chair speeds by. A midget drives, while a dwarf rides on the back. Rage sighs heavily and throws up his hands in despair.



CYCLIST

I am so proud of them



RAGE

Do you wanna feel the back of my hand?



SCENE 8

Location - side-walk

Characters - Rage, Cyclist



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she's watching the Casey Anthony murder trial live on YouTube. defence lawyers makes her rage http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-ALL-That-RAGE-series/187046614676051

lou reed Pedestrians' Rage

OLD COUPLE WALKING SLOW

Scene 1

Location: on a sidewalk

Characters: Rage, old couple, foot-patrol cop



Drivers would probably sigh in relief if they know that Rage has no intention of owning or driving a vehicle. However, pedestrians are not so lucky. If they get in his way when he walks on the sidewalk, he is highly likely to swear at them, push them out of the way and show them his middle finger.



Rage walking his usual 6 miles an hour.


RAGE
If anyone slows me down, making me late for work again, I will punch him in the throat.


FOOT-PATROL COP(clearing his throat)
What about kids?


RAGE
On second thoughts, I will let them go scotch free


COP
Pensioners, pregnant women....


RAGE
That’s a difficult one



LATER

Rage got stuck behind an elderly couple. They were walking about 1.5 miles an hour.


RAGE (muttering to himself angrily)
If people wanna go for a stroll, they should go to the park. I am not in the mood to dawdle behind anyone this morning.’




Choices:

1. Continue walking behind them (Unlikely)

2. Kindly ask them to allow him to pass (unlikely)

3. Walk around them (Unlikely)

4. Push them out of the way (highly likely)



RAGE
If I was driving a car, so help me God, I would have to think twice about not running them over. Forgive me Lord. I know I should be patient with old folks, but I can’t help myself in situations like this.

Rage threw up his hands in frustration.



RAGE
Do you mind stepping aside, so I can pass you?



OLD MAN
What?



RAGE(snarls)
Forget it. Deaf as bat.... Am I walking too fast? No. They are walking too slow



OLD WOMAN
What's your problem?


RAGE
You lot are walking too slow and it's driving me MAD!


WOMAN(sniggers)
Sorry. We will walk right BESIDE you instead.


RAGE
I don't think that's a good idea.





OLD MAN (to Rage)

Talking about driving mad. I saw you driving the other day. FIVE miles an hour. Today you are walking at about 6 miles an hour. You should be ashamed of yourself for expecting us pensioners to walk at that ridiculous speed so we don't get in your way.


WOMAN
I think he is too tall




Rage tries to walk around them. They stumble in his way each time. Getting stuck behind anyone makes him so angry.



RAGE (shouting)
That's it! Say goodbye to Mr nice guy!


Rage kicks the back of their shoes. The old man turns around and points threateningly in Rage's face.

Rage hisses his teeth defiantly and pushes them out of the way. The pensioners fight back; the woman with her purse and the man with his walking stick.

Walking as fast as he could, about 3.5 miles an hour, the pot-bellied cop on foot-patrol, chases Rage.

Cop discovers that he is no match for Rage's pace.



COP
It's time like these that make me wish I was not a slow walker


Cop starts to run after him. He was still no match for Rage.
Cop pants for breath, slows down, stops.




COP
For a policeman, I am too unfit. I should do something about it NOW.

Cop whistles frantically.

Another cop speeds towards him in a patrol car, picks him up. They resume chasing Rage. Rage looks back and sees the car edging closer to him. Instead of starting to run, he simply increases his walking speed.


Rage manages to out-walk the car for a few yards before the cops grab him, one by his shorts, the other by his neck tie.



RAGE (thumping fist in the air)

I will not swear to it. But if I get stuck behind a slow walker again, I will push him to the ground and urinate in his face.



COP
Shut up!




RAGE (sings)
MOVE B, GET OUT THE WAY!


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