URINATING ON THE SIDEWALK
CHUM
I’m going home to watch Casey Anthony trial. Rage if you drink any more of that beer, you just gonna talk more nonsense and start shouting at other pedestrians. It's 4th of July, independence day, time for fireworks and celebration NOT trouble.
RAGE (hisses teeth)
If drivers can rage on the road, why can’t I, a fast walker, rage on the sidewalk? Let me drink my beer in peace PLEASE. When I shout at other pedestrians it’s not because of beer. I just can't stand people who walk slow in front of me or sightsee when I am trying to get somewhere. I don’t care whether they‘re pensioners or children...
CHUM
...Happy Independence Day! Freedom is a precious thing. Every day, you have the opportunity to make meaningful & valuable use of it.
CHUM (laughs)
Even when Rage is sober, he finds it hard to be a model pedestrian? Come on, we can talk about it on the way. It’s getting late and my tempurpedic mattress is calling me.
RAGE
I know I have good height and shape but I am not interested in being no model, so leave me alone... It takes just one slow walker to make me rage like a mad man.
CHUM (taunts)
You could never be a model. You look like a FUDGEING SQUID!
CHUM laughs
RAGE
You’re just jealous of my height and shape. You wish you could match my physique
CHUM
I know how you feel Rage...
Chum
How can you? You’re drinking RIBENA not beer
CHUM
I am not talking about his drunken state, stupid. I am talking about the things that enrage him on the sidewalk
CHUM
Oh. Why didn’t you explain yourself?
CHUM
Grrrr! What the fudge! Why didn’t you wait your turn instead of CONSISTENTLY interrupting me when I’m explaining something? You upset my pancreas when you do that.
RAGE
CALM THE FUDGE DOWN? What’s the matter with you Chums. I know we are on the sidewalk but PLEASE let’s not be sidetracked. Have a little more beer, my doctor say its very GOOOOD for the pancreas.
CHUMS LAUGH LOUDLY.
CHUM
No thank you.
RAGE STOPS SUDDENLY AND STARTS TO UNZIP HIS TROUSERS.
CHUM
By the way, when do you plan to stop pissing in the middle of the sidewalks, Rage? People has to sit on it, you know. And when my food drop out of my hands oN it, I ALWAYS pick it up and eat it straight away
CHUM
Yuck! Too much beer Rage?. If you don’t stop now, one of the other pedestrians or a resident will call the police
RAGE
Look! It's a free country. I can take a fudgeinging piss on the fudgeinging sidewalk when I feel like doing so. Anytime, any place, I just whip out my.....
CHUM
…Too much information. Rage, you’re starting to piss me off now. I’m gonna kick your ass
CHUM
These are the sort of things drunks do, so leave him alone...
RAGE
You PUNK! The next time I witness you spitting out gum on the the sidewalk I'm going to kick your ass
CHUM
YUCK! That's more disgusting than urinating on the sidewalk...
RAGE
I know. Yet, I always let him get away with it. And the other day when he coughed up and spat out a lump of colds at Fred's feet, I simply turned a blind eye even though it made me sick. Now he wanna kill me because I urinate on the fudgeing sidewalk. What sort of chums or you?
CHUM
I had too much to drink. I am not responsible
RAGE
The last time I stepped into someone's colds on the sidewalk, I had to threw away the shoes because it would make me sick to clean it. YUCK!
CHUM
Listen! I don't give a damn what you both say, I am not gonna let you finish urinating on the sidewalk. You better save the rest for your toilet at home..
CHUM
Let's get him!
CHUMS CHASES RAGE WITH SHAKING FISTS. THEY ARE WALKING SUPER FAST
RAGE (sarcastically)
So where's your horse Alexander the Great?
CHUM (shouts)
Wait till I get my hands on you, you FUDGEING SQUID!
CHUM
Now I wish I had brought that pistol
CHUM
Fudge! Unload your paintball gun on him then
CHUM
We can’t do that. He is still our chum, you know.
RAGE
Get lost! You sober fudgers. You should not be allowed on the sidewalk
SIDEWALK GARDENER chases chums and Rage with a pressure washer
GARDENER
GET OFF THE SIDEWALK, YOU NASTY NOISY MOTHER Fikkers
RAGE (jeers)
Funk you!. How far can you chase us with that that heavy washer?
GARDENER
Maybe not as far as Uzbekistan, but I'll STILL give all of you a proper soaking before you escape
GARDENER turns on the washer and blasts them with torrents of water.
RAGE AND CHUMS (screams)
Arghhhhh!
GARDENER
Listen to yourselves, screaming and crying like a girl!! TAKE THAT BABBBY WHEEEEEY!!
RAGE (turns around, shouts)
I have a little treat for you before we escape. hope you will like it.
RAGE SPLASHES THE REST OF THE BEER IN THE GARDENDER'S FACE
GARDENER
FUNK! FUNK!
CHUMS AND RAGE ROAR WITH LAUGHTER. GARDENER RETREATS.
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