WINDOW ON SIDEWALK IRRITATIONS

WINDOW ON SIDEWALK IRRITATIONS MTA



CHUM (raises voice)

As I was saying; sometimes walking on the sidewalk frustrates me a lot. I mean, I always walk on the same side of the road that I drive on, so why the FUDGE can’t other pedestrians do the same?



CHUM

Okay, don’t take it out on us


RAGE

You know what I think?...



CHUM

To be honest, NO!


RAGE

FUDGE SAKE! You were not meant to answer that question, just listen.



CHUM

Okay, sorry.



RAGE
..I think the sidewalk needs a set of rules...



CHUM

I second that. LET'S DO IT!



RAGE

Hold on. A sidewalk without rules causes anarchy, chaos AND...


CHUM

...TERRORISM?



RAGE

...CONFUSION.



CHUM

I think there should also be rules for shuttle launch, hallways,grocery aisles, cycle paths, jogging paths..oh...and revolving doors. Sorry, this is a sore point for me as well.



CHUM

Exactly what I was thinking! Wherever people get in my way and piss me off, I always think 'if I was driving, I would just run you over and FAIL to stop.'



THUNDEROUS LAUGHTER



RAGE

You should try singing along to a Metallica song, OFF-KEY, aloud, from your iPod.
People get the hell out of my way when they hear me. And none of them has ever turned around and splash me with beers or burglar me.



LAUGHTER



CHUM

Your trademark stare and dirty look make them think twice about messing with you...



RAGE

...I don't know what it is, but I would advise you to try it anytime you get stuck behind anyone.



CHUM

Definitely will. I need to watch more mean tricks on Horrible Bosses



CHUM

So which side of the sidewalk should pedestrians walk on Rage?



RAGE (hesitates)

I don't know... How about the side that I am not walking on?



PIERCING LAUGHTER


CHUM

That is a genius idea


CHUM

I use the sidewalk more than any other form of transport, daily. I get VERY annoyed at those who don't understand or care that other people use the sidewalk as well



RAGE

Drinking beer or not, I get REALLY ANNOYED when a group of short, slow walking people take up the sidewalk.



CHUM (laughs)

I get angry when a large group of TEENAGERS, walking together, take up the whole DARN sidewalk.



CHUM

Why do they have to take up the whole sidewalk? If it was me, I would just PUSH them out of the way - all the way to ecuador



RAGE

Great minds think alike. That is exactly what I normally do Chum



CHUM (nods in agreement)

SERVE THEM RIGHT. Clearly, we are the model pedestrians around here



CHUM

Speak for your self...Sometimes I just can't resist writing texts on my iphone while I do my power walk on the sidewalk. I just laugh when people go crazy when they wanna pass me.



RAGE
Someday someone will yank that iphone from you and tell you to send your texts later. I have to look where I am walking all the time. I really would not like to walk straight into a pole or, worse, step into dog’s excrement, AGAIN



CHUM (laughs)

YUCK!...I tend to stagger from side to side on the sidewalk. SOMETIMES. When I bump into my walking partner, we just laugh, but when I am walking alone and bump into strangers, they get really mad.



RAGE

UGH! Good thing you don't walk like that when you're with me..... It annoys me when pedestrians walk all over the fudgeing sidewalk, walk really slow, don't move out of the fudgeing way when they see me coming and when they walk on the "wrong" side of the side walk.



CHUM

So which side is the 'wrong' side of the sidewalk?


RAGE

The side that I am walking on, of course. When pedestrians walk slowly in a zig zag fashion, it’s hard for me to determine the best time to go around them. I find that very irritating.



CHUM

That's true. Chinatown is where you find the worst culprits.



CHUM

I never get used to people walking in front of me then SUDDENLY stop. WHAT THE FUDGE! Why the hell do they have to stop walking so suddenly?


RAGE

Next time, a pedestrian does that, I suggest you step on him. He deserves it. On the sidewalk no one should be looking up, down or around. Most importantly, don't stop in middle of the sidewalk. SIDEWALK RULES




CHUM

If any pedestrian stops in front of me suddenly, without notice. I would just pretend I am blind and bump straight into them.



LAUGHTER




RAGE

Home sweet home. Finally we have reached. I am still standing, you're still talking. Before we enter our respective homes, any suggested rules for the sidewalk?



CHUM

You know what? All over the country people are losing their jobs but OUR worst problem is slow-walking pedestrians. This is the best city to live in. Don't you think?



CHUM AND RAGE

YESSS!



RAGE

I made a shocking discovery last night. Some passengers have no PUBLIC TRANSPORT ETIQUETTE. I had no idea moving to the back of the bus is rocket science?



LAUGHTER



CHUM

I have to agree...about walking on the right side of the sidewalk. Oh and if you need to stop, move over to the side DO NOT stop abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk.


RAGE

Excellent point Chum. Sometime we need to stop and smell the rose..



CHUM


I'm trying but all I can smell is your piss



RAGE (sighs)

ALL THAT RAGE over a little urine. gosh!



CHUM


Shhh.



RAGE

What do you hear?



CHUM

I just thought of another rule for the sidewalk



CHUM

Let's hear it



RAGE


Come on Chum



CHUM

They should ban all pushchairs.....mothers leave your babies at home or stay home with them



RAGE AND CHUM

Point taken



******************************************
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Independence Day Pedestrians' Rage

URINATING ON THE SIDEWALK




CHUM

I’m going home to watch Casey Anthony trial. Rage if you drink any more of that beer, you just gonna talk more nonsense and start shouting at other pedestrians. It's 4th of July, independence day, time for fireworks and celebration NOT trouble.



RAGE (hisses teeth)

If drivers can rage on the road, why can’t I, a fast walker, rage on the sidewalk? Let me drink my beer in peace PLEASE. When I shout at other pedestrians it’s not because of beer. I just can't stand people who walk slow in front of me or sightsee when I am trying to get somewhere. I don’t care whether they‘re pensioners or children...


CHUM

...Happy Independence Day! Freedom is a precious thing. Every day, you have the opportunity to make meaningful & valuable use of it.


CHUM (laughs)

Even when Rage is sober, he finds it hard to be a model pedestrian? Come on, we can talk about it on the way. It’s getting late and my tempurpedic mattress is calling me.



RAGE

I know I have good height and shape but I am not interested in being no model, so leave me alone... It takes just one slow walker to make me rage like a mad man.



CHUM (taunts)

You could never be a model. You look like a FUDGEING SQUID!



CHUM laughs



RAGE

You’re just jealous of my height and shape. You wish you could match my physique



CHUM

I know how you feel Rage...



Chum

How can you? You’re drinking RIBENA not beer



CHUM

I am not talking about his drunken state, stupid. I am talking about the things that enrage him on the sidewalk



CHUM

Oh. Why didn’t you explain yourself?



CHUM

Grrrr! What the fudge! Why didn’t you wait your turn instead of CONSISTENTLY interrupting me when I’m explaining something? You upset my pancreas when you do that.



RAGE

CALM THE FUDGE DOWN? What’s the matter with you Chums. I know we are on the sidewalk but PLEASE let’s not be sidetracked. Have a little more beer, my doctor say its very GOOOOD for the pancreas.



CHUMS LAUGH LOUDLY.



CHUM

No thank you.



RAGE STOPS SUDDENLY AND STARTS TO UNZIP HIS TROUSERS.




CHUM

By the way, when do you plan to stop pissing in the middle of the sidewalks, Rage? People has to sit on it, you know. And when my food drop out of my hands oN it, I ALWAYS pick it up and eat it straight away



CHUM

Yuck! Too much beer Rage?. If you don’t stop now, one of the other pedestrians or a resident will call the police



RAGE

Look! It's a free country. I can take a fudgeinging piss on the fudgeinging sidewalk when I feel like doing so. Anytime, any place, I just whip out my.....



CHUM

…Too much information. Rage, you’re starting to piss me off now. I’m gonna kick your ass



CHUM

These are the sort of things drunks do, so leave him alone...


RAGE

You PUNK! The next time I witness you spitting out gum on the the sidewalk I'm going to kick your ass



CHUM

YUCK! That's more disgusting than urinating on the sidewalk...


RAGE

I know. Yet, I always let him get away with it. And the other day when he coughed up and spat out a lump of colds at Fred's feet, I simply turned a blind eye even though it made me sick. Now he wanna kill me because I urinate on the fudgeing sidewalk. What sort of chums or you?



CHUM

I had too much to drink. I am not responsible




RAGE

The last time I stepped into someone's colds on the sidewalk, I had to threw away the shoes because it would make me sick to clean it. YUCK!



CHUM

Listen! I don't give a damn what you both say, I am not gonna let you finish urinating on the sidewalk. You better save the rest for your toilet at home..



CHUM

Let's get him!



CHUMS CHASES RAGE WITH SHAKING FISTS. THEY ARE WALKING SUPER FAST



RAGE (sarcastically)

So where's your horse Alexander the Great?



CHUM (shouts)

Wait till I get my hands on you, you FUDGEING SQUID!



CHUM

Now I wish I had brought that pistol




CHUM

Fudge! Unload your paintball gun on him then




CHUM
We can’t do that. He is still our chum, you know.


RAGE

Get lost! You sober fudgers. You should not be allowed on the sidewalk



SIDEWALK GARDENER chases chums and Rage with a pressure washer




GARDENER

GET OFF THE SIDEWALK, YOU NASTY NOISY MOTHER Fikkers



RAGE (jeers)

Funk you!. How far can you chase us with that that heavy washer?


GARDENER

Maybe not as far as Uzbekistan, but I'll STILL give all of you a proper soaking before you escape




GARDENER turns on the washer and blasts them with torrents of water.



RAGE AND CHUMS (screams)

Arghhhhh!



GARDENER

Listen to yourselves, screaming and crying like a girl!! TAKE THAT BABBBY WHEEEEEY!!



RAGE (turns around, shouts)

I have a little treat for you before we escape. hope you will like it.



RAGE SPLASHES THE REST OF THE BEER IN THE GARDENDER'S FACE



GARDENER

FUNK! FUNK!




CHUMS AND RAGE ROAR WITH LAUGHTER. GARDENER RETREATS.