sweep talk her

JONES and his giggling chums on the bench, quickly switches the frequency to 'Romantic Interlude' on sidewalk FM. No one wants to miss the plenary bliss unfolding before their eyes. The courtly sidewalk sweeper stands by the stall. His broom falls nonchalantly to the ground the moment the vendor appears. No more tireless sweeping or filling bags with rubbish. It's time to exchange sweet words.

        JONES

Put away the popcorn, take out the tissue, you may be moved to tears...

        HEATHER

..speak for yourself....I've seen men sweet talk women before and I just laughed, NOT cry.


         JONES
I'm just warning you...The sweeper's sweet talk can be quite POWERFUL

HEATHER

Like power rangers?


KRISTEN

Shhhhh!....He has started.



JUSTIN

You're the only princess on the sidewalk. I look forward to see you each day I come out to sweep. Even if you are ill, please come to work, because it would break my heart, if I have to sweep a day without seeing your beautiful face.


KRISTEN

Priceless


HEATHER

Hilarious!


JONES
(whispers)

Quiet please!


WINTER

I feel quite at home on the sidewalk when I see you. Your'e my ideal man. You are not cruel, and you are so gorgeous. And handsome.


JUSTIN

You are well beautiful yourself


WINTER

Can't help smiling when you speak to me like that


JUSTIN

When you smile SO sweetly, it makes me laugh. Your'e so funny


WINTER

By the way, you are looking quite hot today



JUSTIN

It feels great that you are totally into me, because I am totally into you



WINTER
(giggles)

I know. You have no clue how much I miss you when you leave


JUSTIN
(chuckles)

Lucky me



WINTER

Your'e gorgeous that's why. I bet your'e even more gorgeous naked


JUSTIN
(guffaws)

I AM!


WINTER

I have a naked image of you, right now, in my head



HEATHER
(chokes on popcorn)


KRISTEN

We should bring a vomit bucket next time



JONES

She better stay away from him. The sidewalk stretch for miles, with hundreds of other attractive vendors. She can't be the only one he likes...


KRISTEN

How dare you interfere in their personal business. You're just jealous


Do you think he's rich


JONES

YES! He's been sweeping for years. Unless he squandered his money..on roses, chocolates, wines


HEATHER

He's a clever man. He only squanders WORDS


They cackle shamelessly.



KRISTEN

This is the best soap opera on the sidewalk


HEATHER

Sure you not crying yet



KRISTEN

SHUT UP!


JONES

Shhh! I'm still watching this


KRISTEN

He's really into her....I think they are KISSING already

What you mean 'already? He's been wooing her each week for the past year....



JUSTIN

You breast are like beach balls... Your legs runs endlessly...


WINTER

This is particularly hot



KRISTEN
(rants)

This is FKN nonsense! I can't watch this no more..This is a compete waste of time!


JONES

Gosh, what a BIG temper you have!


KRISTEN

Sorry. It used to be TINIE


HEATHER

You may leave, but you have no clue what you be missing. This is the best thing going on right now. Take a look yourself(passes binoculars)


JONES

It's really good, please stay. It will get better, I promise


KRISTEN

I'm not the least convinced, but I'll stay



WINTER

Unlike other days, you look a bit rough today...rough and ready


JUSTIN
(seductive murmur)

Hmmm. I swear. You are getting more irresistible by the minute. I might have to get those losers on the bench to hold me back


KRISTEN

What the HELL! Who is he calling fkn losers?


HEATHER
(cheerily)

US! Of course


KRISTEN

I know. It was a rhetorical question, you lemming. HOW DARE HE!


HEATHER

Well, I LOST some money on the sidewalk yesterday....Does that count?


JONES

Never mind. He needs therapy


WINTER

I just wanna poke your dust-filled bottom


KRISTEN

It's getting worse, boring. We should leave before he leaves, or watch something else that is decent.


HEATHER

By the way, Kristen, your hair needs sorting out



JUSTIN

Now that I have seen you, my beautiful day is complete. Damn! Your'e amazing....

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Boris Johnson's 'hi folks' Oylmpics broadcast

BRADLEY: You don't normally walk it to work.

JOKER: I got unceremoniously frog-marched off the bus

BRADLEY: What for?

JOKER: Laughing everi 5 minutes

 BRADLEY hastened his steps, then looked at him quizzically. 

JOKER: Boris Johnson's DELIGHTFUL voice on the bus's intercom. EVERY 5 MINUTES!

BRADLEY: (cackled) YOU HAVE BEEN CAUGHT OUT! Did he sound bizarre?

JOKER: FREAKS ME OUT PROPERLY! While other OIKS, sorry, passengers merely cringed and grunted when the recording came on, I could'nt help bursting into laughter.I'm sorry for those on longer journeys..

BRADLEY: Boris Johnson making announcements on the buses...

JOKER:...and on the DLR and Tube as well

BRADLEY: UGH! What the hell is going on?

JOKER: Exactly what commuters needed on public transport during london 2102 olympics - The mayor greeting you with "hi folks."

BRADLEY: HE'S HILARIOUS. Please let us take the bus back from work. I will join you

JOKER: No chance! I'm gonna take the mayor's advice and walk it both TO and FROM work. So you don't join me. I'LL JOIN YOU

..................................................................

DAVID:

The man is everywhere. UGH! I was very tempted to punch the passenger sitting next to me. He got away because he looked as if he could defend himself.


CHAD:(teases)

I can sense your delight


DAVID:

You believe I got delight from hearing Boris's voice on repeat EVERY 5 MINUTES? Each time I hear it, I jump in fright. UGH!


CHAD:

So long as I leave my radio behind, I can walk on the sidewalk with peace of mind.


DAVID:

I feel quite jealous of you


CHAD:

No need. You have a clear choice. You don't have to take the buses or trains, just walk with me from now on.


DAVID:

TRUST ME! You'll never walk alone. I must escape Boris somehow. Why would they use Boris voice in this way?


CHAD:

I think they intended to scare passengers off public transport and onto the sidewalk...


DAVID:

He's scaring out of London....Soon the sidewalk will be packed with lots of damn LEMMINGS.


CHAD:(calmly)

Have you consider Boris's advice to work from home?


DAVID:

No offence, but my job is pertinent and purposeful, it CAN'T be done from home

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SIDEWALK SIDESHOW - homeless man on sidewalk

HOMELESS MAN ON SIDEWALK

la ink, Please give...



Raging Bull (to homeless man)

...do you have any food to spare?



Chum

That's mean



Raging Bull

He beg me everday, so why can't I do the same to him. JUST FOR ONCE. I am sick and tired of giving away my money and food everyday to people who look fit enough to work. FUDGE!




HOMELESS(pitifully)

I have not eaten ALL day, can you spare some of your food, PLEASE!



CHUM

That's no problem. Do you eat pasta with greasy dauphinoise potatoes?



HOMELESS

Never. But I'm willing to try it



RAGING BULL

Well, you should try working for it...



CHUM

BULL! Please! If people like him did not live on the sidewalk day and night, who would be the first person to give us a friendly smile?


Raging Bull

Point taken but can't you see he is taking advantage of our kindness? HE ALREADY HAS ABOUT 15 SANDWICHES. LOOK BEHIND HIS DOG.




CHUM

'Our KINDNESS?' You have NEVER given him anything. We did not give him any of those 15 swandwiches, so it's our turn now to show him some kindness as well



RAGING BULL

I wont be fooled by his lies and poetry



CHUM (hands pasta to homeless)

Here you go. Eat your heart out. Never mind him


HOMELESS (sneezes)

Thanks a million. Can I have that ginger beer as well



RAGING BULL (walking away briskly)

You can borrow my sanitizer. His hairy nostrils must be packed with germs


CHUM

Get lost Bull!...Sorry but I have a serious love affair with ginger beer, so I will not be able to part with it. I WOULD FIGHT ANY ANIMAL, MAN OR ANIMAL WHO DARES TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!



RAGING BULL steps on some broken glass and fell on the concrete



RAGING BULL (whimpers)

Ouch!



HOMELESS DOG looks at Bull on the ground and barks excitedly




RAGING BULL

dang worthless dog didn't even try to catch me! A dog is not a man's best friend. This is why get myself a lovely rabbit



HOMELESS (laughs)

You should learn to stand on your own two feet



CHUM (sternly)

Don't be mean to him, he's still my friend


HOMELESS

Sorry. Good bye then


CHUM

You okay Bull


RAGING BULL
Yes, thanks...My bottom hurts. My ankles are swollen. They feel sprain. Elbow looks broken. All I need is a little vodka. it helped me the last time


CHUM

Well, All I have is my little ginger beer...



HOMELESS (scrambles back towards them)

Vodka is good for falls. I have a few bottles from yesterday


CHUM

You have just made fun of him, so I don't think he will accept...


RAGING BULL

The fall did not hurt my mouth so let me defend myself, please. I think I will ACCEPT it, thanks.


CHUM

His elbow LOOKS broken, so let me hold the vodka for him


RAGING BULL

My elbow FEELS fine. Give me my vodka please


HOMELESS

Calm down you two. Dwarves and prostitutes fought on this same spot. People have been murdered here. So on second thoughts, I think I should keep my vodka. I don't wanto to instigate a crime or violent behaviour



RAGE

Get lost!...And tell whoever threw broken glass on the sidewalk, I am gonna give them a proper beating. I don't mess around. When I am fighting, I am dangerous. I am not a pedestrian anyone should mess with.



DOG whines



CHUM

Tell them to throw their broken glass on the street. Not on the FUDGEING sidewalk. If I catch anyone doing it again, when I finish with them, they will wish they were born at a different time



DOG barks


HOMELESS

I think this will teach them a lesson. They'll be so frightened they will never break the law or throw glass on the sidewalk again.


CHUM

I will let off the miscreant this time. But never again. I have eyes all over this sidewalk, so noone do anything without me noticing