Tuesday, 19 June 2012

The Top dog

A CALORIFIC argument erupted between the capricious gang of five and talisman, Theo. Spectateors watched in horror as the gang rained a flurry of fists on their hapless rival. The back of his head smashed into the sidewalk as he fell on his back. His eyes closed. NASCAR, his dog sprang on him, licked his faced and whined. Shortly after, Theo opened his eyes.

The gang walked away swimmingly, looking like good Samaritans. A man is seen running very fast in their direction. Everyone gasped then held their breaths. When the man caught up with the gang, he picked up the stick his dog had thrown for him to fetch, then turned back.




The sigh of relief was deafening.



O K Michelle:(walking towards Theo)

 May I help you



Theo groaned in agony.



Jamie:

You are a little late, I'm afraid.So jog on.



O K Michelle:
 
Sorry, but I would only help after they are gone. I don't wanna get hurt. I'm just a girl, against 5 MEN


 Jamie:

OMG! This is embarrassing. Everyone on the sidewalk saw him get floored


ROGER:

I think he's crying


ASCOT:

I wondered what he said that upset them so much. Will his injury make him more susceptible to Multiple sclerosis?



The dog didn't even try to help



What did you expect the poor little poodle to do?



ZOKAYA KAMARA LTD: (accompanied by drum sets and a guitar, CHANTS)


Let me talk

What happened on the sidewalk

Calorific fray erupted

between talisman, Theo

And the enigmatic trio

Tom, Paul and Reo, or

Rosie, Joan and Cleo

Does it matter

Can't you still see the uneven ratio?


Let me talk

what happened on the sidewalk

It's abundantly clear who'll rise the hero

But so opaque who'll be reduced to zero

On my arrival

Saw a gang of three take on a one man rival

That is so suicidal



Can we call those IDIOTS

The top dog???


OH NO!

Stop fume, let me resume the talk

What happened on the sidewalk........

A flurry of fists dropped Theo on the sidewalk

Poodle sprang over him, licked his lips, then BARK BARK BARK

That's the TOP DOG, oh yes, Poodle is the TOP DOG

he BARK BARK BARK

pOODLE is the Top Dog

He YAPS YAPS YAPS


 ..........................................................................................................

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Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Sweep talk her...without reservation

SHINJI:(To Kathie Lee) You have no idea how magnificent, how exotic you are to me. This poise, this symmetry, this refinement. I'm mute with awe over your beauty. Look at me, a mere sidewalk sweeper, holding the delicate hand of this luminous creature at her stall.

It was evident to BARTON that SHINJI's oratory was inspired by Ivan Turgenev's Two Women. SHINJI must have seen the show over the weekend.

Kathie Lee:

Oh, Shinji, I've been so restless and irritable since you swept last week. I could't wait for monday to return, so I could see you again.


Oh, so Kathie Lee had recently seen the show also, Barton thought. It seems she and Shinji went on a secret date. There's no smoke without fire. Barton was serving a pedestrian but the lovebirds' recreation of the mesmerizing tale, have his full attention.


SHINJI:

I feel so centred when I see you each week. Seeing you is the only happiness I need on this sidewalk. You got to believe me.... I'd die inside if knew you were restless and irritable.



Kathie Lee:

I'm okay now. Hundreds of female vendors on the sidewalk are just jealous of me because you hand-picked me over them



SHINJI:

Hundreds? I'd say thousands, millions


They laugh lovingly


SHINJI:(gushes)

Just looking at you is an UNQUALIFIED pleasure.


Kathie Lee:

You are so sweet. I discussed you with my mum all the time


SHINJI:

My heart leapt, I thought you were gonna say you discussed me with your husband


Kathie Lee:

Good God no, I would'nt be so silly


SHINJI:

You are so beautiful..Let  me guess, you and your mom talk about the CHASM between our ages


Kathie Lee:

What chasm(laughs)...I told her you're closer to me in years owing to our similar temperament and spiritual dispositions. Oh, she asked about your rheumatism


SHINJI:(laughs)

You told her about it?


Kathie Lee:

Of course not. I'm just teasing you.


SHINJI:

When I look at you, I see youth, freshness and vitality....


Kathie Lee:

I see those qualities in you plus pure handsomeness...I dont feel old


SHINJI:

Thanks. Neither do I. I do not feel old. I do not feel any age....As you know, I'm not a man of style and grace, so I'll get to the point...


Kathie Lee:

You are a man of style and grace


SHINJI:

Thank you. I'm glad you noticed...Anyway, As I was saying, I'm a man of few words,
but I've been watching you, and I'm proud to admit you have taken possession of my head.


Kathie Lee:(blushes)

There's no one on the sidewalk, I love the way I love you. When you laugh, I laugh. Stall-owners and pedestrians sometimes wonder about the secrets to my perpetual glow and why I alway look so extroardinarily beautiful....




SHINJI:

....I often wonder myself...



Kathie Lee:

Well, wonder no more...YOU are the reason. Being with you, thinking about you...



SHINJI:

Oh. I  love you this much(arms stretched out as widely as possible)...without reservations. I know you love me, but do you love me this much?



Kathie Lee:

Without reservations(with arms stretched out as widely as possible). I'll be a vendor on this sidewalk as long as you continue sweeping here...



SHINJI:

I enjoy our weekly banter and goodbye hugs, but isn't it time we do.......'things.'



Kathie Lee:

You'll have to give up your vice


SHINJI:

No problem. I was gonna give it up anyway.


Kathie Lee:

Great. I started preparing a speech for you, the moment I spot you sweeping away in the distance


SHINJI:

I can't wait to hear it....


Kathie Lee:

......I've been a vendor on this sidewalk for a month now, and it's been the happiest month of my life because of you. Not even my husband makes me this happy.


SHINJI:

That's what love does; it makes the unreasonable seems perfectly reasonable. Loving you this way when I have my wife is disgraceful and I feel ashamed of myself, but I wont stop.


Kathie Lee:

I pray each week that our partners do not find out about us, because I don't want this to be the last time I'm seeing you, I don't want this to be the last tiem I talk to you


SHINJI:

I have been in love with you from the first day you started working on this stall.


Kathie Lee:

And the first time you talked to me, I wanted to declare my love for you, but I was afraid, you'd see it as a declaration of love from a woman you have NO interest in.


SHINJI:

Far from it! You have no idea how magnificent, how exotic you are to me. This poise, this symmetry, this refinement. I'm mute with awe over your beauty.Look at me, a mere sidewalk sweeper, holding the delicate hand of this luminous creature...


Kathie Lee:

....I love you this much(arms stretched out as wide as possible)..without reservation.


SHINJI:

If I lose you, I don't know how I would survive


Kathie Lee:

You'll survive, especially when you love.....without reservations....



SHINJI:
They say all love is a catastrophe, leading to desolation and shame..They say a man enslaved by love is owned by a woman, so he will know what real suffering feels like...



Kathie Lee:

....NONSENSE! You have the unqualified love of a good woman, I hope this is enough..



SHINJI:

It is. If it wasn't so I let you go, I would end up being dissatisfied in my life. But you, who loved....without reservation, even though your love was not appreciated or reciprocated, would be the lucky one.

Friday, 1 June 2012

Slim Forever with yoga warm ups

FORMER spelling bee champion, now self-styled Master yoga guru, Jeremy and his ardent fanatics of Navasana, Pranayama and Tittibhasana. monopolize 60 meters of the sidewalk. He promised reestablishment of their menthol, spiritual and physical well-beings. Even his warm up moves will guarantee unqualified happiness owing to their ability to clear minds, enhance meditations and promote slimness forever.


JEREMY:

Thanks for sneaking out for the best yoga lessons you will ever have. Hope you wont get in trouble...First, follow every move I dictate. Not only are they great ways to warm up; They will clear your mind and enhance your meditation. Trust me, when I'm done with you, you MUST have a much needed shower with bath salts. Great work-out to get your body ready for the Diamond Jubilee



JEREMY:

You're all looking versatile and talented.... We'll do each move for a minimum of 5 minutes, okay. So Angels and Shreks , ARE YOU READY?


ALL:

Yesssssss!

JEREMY:

Okay. Before we start our journey, we'll do the important warm up moves, then we'll YOGA like its 1999, then we'll cool down


APPLAUSE


FIRST MOVE IS.....Pretend you're a tourist then (illustrates move) walk around  on the spot




NOW just (illustrates) walk up and down the sidewalk. Back and forth, back and forth....




Now, (mimics action) walking on crutches. Let me see the pain on your faces. Let me hear your groans




Now do a  long and quiet walk on the spot, just pretend you're in the park. Give thanks through quiet mediation for this wonderful journey I'm taking you on.




For maximum benefit, please vary your steps; vary the pace; long, short, light, forceful.....If your legs hurt, don't worry means that you need more Navasana, Pranayama and Tittibhasana, so push harder.



Don't worry about the curiously amused on-lookers, they're nothing but indolent DRUNKARDS. Just do your thing. I assure you, YOU will have the LAST LAUGHS



Imagine your'e being stalked on the sidewalk by one of these drunks...To get the hell of there, start speed walking, if he does the same, start running..



Thank you all, now LETS YOGA!


ALL:(unenthusiastically)

yes


JEREMY:

Okay, since you're all tired from the Slim Forever warm up moves, then we'll yoga next session. Provided, you'll be ready, willing and able to do so after the warm ups. You're free to go home now and watch the french open. You'll cool down as you dawdle home.


CHEERS


Those of you who I owe change, we'll talk about that in the next session. If I owe you change from last week, as you know, I am short on change today. If I owe you change from more than two weeks ago, seriously, forget it!


Sunday, 27 May 2012

The bag lady and the good samaritan

THIRTEEN packed carrier bags splayed out on the sidewalk. Bus stopped a few fete away. The bag lady, Keira, dashed on with a bag in either hand. Pointing in the driver's face and occasionally, at the remaining bags, she argued with him forcefully. The driver responded with wild, vehement, emphatic hand gestures. If she was trying to compel him to move the bus closer to her bags; she failed. She started collecting the others; in twos.


 As the sole male passenger present, Celtics, was tempted to help her but something kept him back. His guilt mounted, yet he stayed put.


FINALLY, A GOOD SAMARITAN TO THE RESCUE.


GOOD SAMARITAN, Shiloh:(to bag lady)

 May I help you



KEIRA:(snaps sharply)

 NO!



It was at that precise moment that it suddenly dawned on Celtics that he had seen this woman in action before. Luckily, this time, he was a mere spectator.


 Celtics chuckled as the Shiloh exchanged bewildered and amused looks with others milling about. The atmosphere inside the bus looked quite tense. Passengers were already inflamed that the bus was taking such a long time to drive off. Keira noticed the baggage rack was empty. However, she passed it and rudely drove passengers out of their seats.



 Four passengers refused to vacate their seats. This attracted applause from outside. When the woman finally sat down, her legs were wide open; to accommodate the rest of the bags between them.


Celtics was tempted to put his Facebook camera to use, by jumping on the bus for what promised to be a blockbuster joyride.


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Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Sweep talk her

Sidewalk sweeper Mick,is in his 70s and happily married. Sidewalk vendor Rachel, is in her 50s and happily married also. Nevertheless, it seams no one can expostulate with him about the futility of charming her each week. She revels in the attention; simply can't get enough. Intensely amused Chuck, Rachel's assistant, can't get enough of the flirtatious espièglerie.



Chuck:(chuckles at sight of Mick sweeping sidewalk two stalls away)

Your admirer is coming



RACHEL:(smiles sheepishly)

 I know. It's a good thing I bought some milk at the shop this morning.



Chuck:

 ....planning to make him his usual cup of tea?



 RACHEL:

 Of course



 Chuck:

 As usual, that will make his day SHE SMILES



 Chuck:(teases) I think we'll do better business on the sidewalk if we stop promoting New car deals and euromillions and start a dating service


RACHEL:(sarcasm)

Ha ha Ha..Very funny!



JAKE POURS THE RUBBISH INTO HIS LITTEL CART AND LEANS THE BROOM AGAINST THE SIDEWALK BENCH




 JAKE:

Morning all! (tipped his hat to Rachel) Morning Rachel



Chuck:(wide grin on his face)

 Morning


 RACHEL:

Good morning Mick


Jake:

Your looking lovely today, as usual




 RACHEL:

Thank you....Would you like a cup of tea?



 Jake:(takes her hands and peer in her eyes)

 ONLY if it's made by YOU



 RACHEL:

 Of course.



Chuck grins widely.


RACHEL brings a chair for Jake to sit on while tea.



 Jake:

This is my favourite stall on the sidewalk.....(to Rachel) especially when YOU are here



 Customers smile in bafflement, Chuck laughs out loudly



 Chuck:

That's a classic, no wonder you ALWAYS sweep this area much cleaner



 Jake:

 ..How many of you are working today?


RACHEL:

Three of us working today



Chuck:(playfully)

 Of course, Rachel is one in a million


 JAKE:(hands 3 different fruits to Rachel)

She is TWO in a million



Rachel giggles.


 CHUCK:(cackles)

 I stand corrected



Rachel brings the tea and some cakes she made at home to Jake.


Mick:(pointing on the Miss World Canada on the cover of OK magazine. She is stunning



RACHEL: She is


 Mick:(beams)

 NOt as stunning as you though. Did ANYONE tell you this morning how BEAUTIFUL you are?



 Rachel:(smiles broadly)

 Not really



 Mick: Well,



CHuck kneels behind the stall and attempts to stifle his guffaw.


 CHUCK:(whispers conspiratorily to Mick while Rachel serves customer)

You should ask her out



 MICK:(peers philosophically down the sidewalk)

 Leave it to me son



 CHUCK serves customer but keeps eyes and ears on the lovebirds. He chuckles when they did their usual good bye hugs



 Rachel:

 Oh, this feels so nice


 AFTER Mick left.


 Chuck:

 Did he ask you out?


 Rachel:

No



Chuck:

Ahhh! He got cold feet...Would you have said yes?



Rachel:

 No. He has a wife, and I have a husband, so I would have to decline


 Chuck:

 That would break his heart. You could at least take A chance on him.


Rachel:

 He's very sweet but no.


Chuck:

I like him a lot as well. You can tell he was a charmer when he was a young man. I wish he was my grand father


Rachel:

he makes me feel so special each week, I often wonder how can I repay him


Chuck:

 Buy him a birthday gift.



Rachel:

 I bought him a xmas card last year....

Chuck: I wonder if he shows it to his wife. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Friday, 11 May 2012

Not an illustrious find at all

Sidewalk chums, Birdman, David and Hollande are gleeful. They find soemthing on the sidewalk which looks quite illustrious. A small box with 20 sets of rusty keys. Each key has a label; 1-Lord and Saviour, 2- The Moon, 3-Stockings, 4-Absorption, 5-Candice, 6-My Husband, 7-Self-esteem, 8-Asparagus, 9-Domino table, 9-Vinegar, 10-Rabbit tooth, 11-Raincoat, 12-A sword, 13-a nightmare, 14-A challenge, 15-Human intestine, 16-Coriander, 17-A sunrise, 18-Big toe....



Hollande:(points at small box lying on sidewalk)

LOOK! It MUST be jewellery inside the box. I wander who lost it. (looks around curiously)



David:

WHO CARES? We are rich! Tired of landlords and sharing house with strangers, Tired of feeling like DREGS


Hollande:

 ....No offence Birdman, but I'm tired of walking up and down the sidewalk behind you, like a darn BIRDBRAIN. The time is ripe for a scooter. It seems our breakthrough has finally come, David. So grin all you want



 Birdman:

 Calm down guys. Lets go over to the bench and see what's inside



 David:(thunders)

WHAT THE HELL? A bunch of keys with name tags? ugh!


 Birdman:

This name tags are weird....A SWORD, THE MOON, CORIANDER, ABSORPTION...



Hollande: A SUNRISE, Big toe....



 David:

VINEGAR?... DOMINO TABLE....I bet the owner is CRAZY



Birdman:

What we gonna do with it?



 David:

I have a feeling this could bring us bad-luck. Let is THROW IT IN THE BIN


 Hollande:

 Are you mad? That's what will bring us bad luck. Someone has to keep it. NOT ME!


 Birdman:

Me neither:


David: well, that was not my idea



Birdman: I know it's naughty


DAVID:

 Let's hear it...we'll be the judge of that


 Birdman: Let's bring back the neighbour's piece of board, then leave this THING there as well



Hollande:

That's very naughty.



David:

I like it. Let them deal with it


 Hollande:

 It's better that way. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- please LIKE http://www.facebook.com/allthaTRAGE please FOLLOW http://allthatrageseries.blogspot.com/ please follow SIDEWALK LOOKS http://sidewalknarratives.blogspot.com/

Friday, 20 April 2012

Madeleine, Jonathan and slow drivers

Miss Madeleine:

I swear, anywon who drives UNDER the speed limit.... Needs to get a damn scooter and RIDE it on the sidewalk! ARGH!!!


DR. Jonathan:

Don't be execrable to the poor driver. Maybe his brains is slow also....By the way, are you running late or something?


Miss Madeleine:(hesitantly)

ahhm....maybe.


Dr. Jonathan:

Or are you feeling the effects of early menopause? Just pass her then.


PASSES SLOW DRIVER


Madeleine:

Now she's pissed because I overtake her