GUINESS truck driver, R. martinez: (jumps in truck)
Kids, sit back relax and enjoy. I'll be playing a new game on the road today. I will attempt to run EVERY mini car off the road. Whoever sees the first mini car, just shout START
ROAD PRESENTER Rollins:
Welcome. I'm James, the doyenne of sidewalk presenters..On the other side of town, Dixon is looking forward to wonderful things happening to him on the road. Because of past experiences, however, he is a little anxious. He and R. martinez are complete srangers and it's very unlikley they'll run into each other. Let's keep our fingers crossed for them. for DIXON. That R. martinez seems to be a perfidious character.
Kahne (praying as he gets in car)
I hope squirrels do not run across the road WHEN i'M DRIVING, I hear that's bad luck. Help me save any pet animal that gets in the way, I don't wanna any young kid to suffer hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. LORD, DON'T LET ME HAVE TO RUN AN IDIOT DRIVER OFF THE ROAD, AGAIN. Instead, let me see shooting stars hovering above, as I drive, so all my wishes can come through. aMEN
Dixon STOPS TO ALLOW KIDS TO CROSS ROAD. KIDS WAVE AND DISPLAY THUMBS UP
HE SMILES
Rollins: (notices R. Martinez's truck several feet behing Dixon's car)
This is not funny, odd, awkward. it's too late for Dixon to turn back now. For how much longer will he be safe?
Kid PACKERS: (notices Dixon's mini car)
S T A R T T TT!!!!!!!
kid CHELSEE:
NO!!!
PACKERS:
What are you scared of this time?
R. Martinez: (to CHELSEE)
He's driving too SLOW son. Just WASTING our precious time. i can't afford to be late for the free airport parking or the cheap christmas dresses for your mother.
CHELSEE:
Is that right dad?
DAD:(harrumphs)
Not really,BUT HE'S DRIVING.... ME CRAZY
CHELSEE:
DAD! That's too dangerous.
PACKERS:(teases)
As timid AS....CHELSEE!
R. Martinez:
OKAY okay. STOP IT you two. PACKERS, everyday, you remind me of me; I was a feral child as well....Anyway, I will not run him off the road. I promise your mother I'll take to Coachella Music Festival in one piece. So I will just creep up on this IDIOTIC DRIVER until I'm a few feet away from his bumper.
CHELSEE:
HURRAH! This is the dad I like
PACKERS:
Same here. Scare the hell outta him dad
AFTER A FEW MINUTES
R. Martinez:
Sorry kids. I'm getting bored of this. This is not a game anymore. I have to GET HIM OUT OF THE WAY
CHELSEE:
NO! calm down dad. And keep your hands on the wheels...the STEERING WHEEL
PACKERS:
Just be careful dad, CHRIS is very terrified R. Martienz LAUGHS AS HE ZIG ZAGS BEHIND DIXON'S CAR
SIDEWALK PRESENTER Rollins:
Don't be fooled by the bright lights and the COOL music from the vehicles. They are just a penumbra of something sinister. ANGER. Anger is becoming more and more ubiquitous these days. The road is a Mecca for angry motorists, so you can count on a showdown between these two.
Dixon (shouts)
hey. YOU JERK! watch how you drive. You're going too fast and too dangerously. Do you prefer to lose your life in a moment than to lose just a moment of your life by being patient and courteous?
R. Martienz: (indicates middle finger, then accelerates)
Slow drivers like you should be behind me, not BEFORE
CHRISTOPHER SCREAMS
PACKERS:
You'll have to leave him at home tomorrow dad. He has no guts for this fun game.
Dixon:(Cuts speed as BOND'S car edges closer and closer, menacingly)
I swear, if you hit my bumper today, I am suing your arse TODAY
R. Martienz:
WHATEVER!
LOUD BANG as DIXON'S car careers off the road and into a filthy ditch.
Dixon:
Are you trying to kill us, YOU DRUNK! UGH!
BRAUN:(wakens from passenger's seat of Dixon's car)
CRAZY!!! I bet he was was eating while driving
Dixon:
God knows. Maybe he was just tweeting Christmas messages. Ugh!
PEDESTRIAN Craig:
Jesus Christ! Are you okay down there?
BRAUN:
We are fine thanks, just a little frightened...
Dixon:
....and wet. I urinated on myself
CRAIG: (Turns head away to disguise a snigger)
Thank God You are not hurt....Are you OKk?
BRAUN (sarcastically)
No. WE ARE KNOCKED OUT, YOU IDIOT...WE'RE FINE, THANKS
CRAIG:
No fractures or broken ribs?
Dixon (drives car out of ditch, onto road again)
WE ARE FINE!
Rollins:
Moral of the story. Good samaritans are not welcome. Go about your business, please.
CRAIG:
Calm down. I'm just trying to help. The last time I saw someone got ran off the road, the suffered fractures and broken ribs. They ended up in the hospital. never mind. I will pray for you nonetheless.
BRAUN:
Thanks. But we're fine now.
CRAIG:
I can help.
ROLLINS:(impatient sigh)
He just don't get it?
Dixon SPEEDS UNTIL HE CATCHES BONDS AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS. HE PULLS UP ALONGSIDE BOND'S TRUCK,THEN HONKS HORN LOUDLY
CHELSEE:
Tomorrow we will just walk
PACKERS:
Speak for yourself!
R. Martienz:
You'll do no such thing. Not while I have this truck. walking isn't good for your feet
CHELSEE:
We found some money yesterday when we walked. So walking isn't that moribund. UGH!
R. Martienz:
REALLY! It was your lucky day son. I'll let you walk from now on then, but any money you find, WILL BE MINE.
Dixon CONTINUES HONKING HORN TO GET R. Martienz's ATTENTION. R. Martienz IGNORES HIM BY DOWNING A CAN OF GUINESS.
MOTORIST: (raised voice)
SHUT UP. there is no need for all this racket so early in the morning
Dixon: (jotting down websites; Dating sites, on truck and its licence's plate number)
Mind your business!
R. Martienz (YELLS)
Will you stop honking that horn SO early in the morning. What's your problem? MORON! You choose the wrong day to mess with me
Dixon AND BRAUN stop honking but turns up the volume on whitney houston's I will always love you
R. Martienz SINGS Rebecca Ferguson's "Your A Dumbass" at them.
Kids:
Dad, Whitney Houston is dead. They are grieving
R. Martienz: (to his kids)
So I'm not the only one feeling the loss. They have a funny way of showing it though...ANYWAY, LET'S GO! If I waste a minute more with these IDIOTS, we'll lose the free airport parking. I don't want your mum to nag me if I don't get her christmas dresses
KIDS: (GIGGLE)
That sounds strictly final. RIP Whitney Houston
................................................................
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