PEDESTRIAN dawdles on sidewalk. He buries a proud face in APPLE'S latest Iphone. Passers-by regard him with jealous eyes and muttered vitriol. He starts to run after the bus, trips, falls on his face. Luckily, he escaped with only a shattered Iphone's screen, oh, and slightly scraped face and arms.
KRISTEN
OUCH! he's my kind of pedestrian! that's awesome. good to know there are still exciting pedestrians on the sidewalk.
KATE
Oh no! Was he trying to see how high his iphone would bounce off the sidewalk, or what?...Justin, please call the emergency services on your smartphone
..........................................................
The chums rush to her rescue - after a few stifled giggles. The pedestrian is freaking out.
..............................................................
PEDESTRIAN
Oh no! What the HELL! my poor phone, what am I gonna do? Is it okay?
JUSTIN
(helping her to her feet)
Afraid not, the screen did not escape completely unscathed. It's bleeding and the screen is cracked.
PEDESTRAIN
OH NO!
KRISTEN
Your arms and face are not UNSCATHED...
PEDESTRIAN
Any of you know where I could get a new screen for my Iphone
ALL SHAKE HEAD
Damn! Where can I get a reasonably priced Iphone?
JUSTIN
The emergency services will be here in a minute?
GREAT! I had no idea that they provide iphone services.
JUSTIN
They DON'T. APPLE customer service may be able to help with your damaged phone.
PEDESTRIAN
I'm not sure about that. I have dropped my iphone 3 times on the sidewalk already. And they fixed it for me on all three occasions. The last time, only 2 days ago...I'm so unlucky.
KRISTEN
Yes. They supposed to be fed up by now..Don't get angry like me and try and destroy your phone.
KATE
I know someone selling an Iphone cheaply
JUSTIN
It's still working. The power button still works...So you can still use it like this. Don't waste any more money on a replacing the screen or buying a new phone.
............................................................................
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INDOLENT chums are in for an ambrosial treat.Perched on a sidewalk bench, popcorn on hand, binocular in hand, er, handkerchief in bag, they are ready to WATCH the mode, the theatre and the espièglerie up and down the sidewalk...Better than TV. Just saying.
Thursday, 8 November 2012
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
JUSTIN'S good deed on the sidewalk
THE SIDEWALK is atypically deserted. KRISTEN and Kate are expressly bored. Abruptly, they prop up on the bench when JUSTIN commences a delightful tale. Apparently, had it not been for his herculean effort, pedestrians would have crush a defenseless worm on the sidewalk. Kristen and Kate drifted back to yawning and stretching.
KATE
(with sincerety)
Hurrah to the worm rescuer!
JUSTIN
(thumps chest, whistles superman theme)
That's me! You should have seen the worm. So cute.
LAUGHTER
KATE
Hilarious. Stop being a show-off
JUSTIN
I love to rescue worms. I don't care if you think it's MAD. I'll rescue cock roaches if I have to...
KRISTEN
I have no interest in saving worms on the sidewalk or any other insects. I just crush them beneath my feet.
KATE
That's pure evil
KRISTEN
Not evil at all. It's hilarious!
JUSTIN
Saving lives is important to me
KRISTEN
It's important to me also, provided the lives are not worms'
KATE
You animal!!!!
JUSTIN
Let him be, Kate. I'm sure most pedestrians look out for worms and other insects each day on the sidewalk. Kristen is the only ANIMAL. I RESENT pedestrians who deliberately hurt the insects. purpose.
KATE
I'm so glad there are people like us around, Justin
KRISTEN
like us? So how many worms did you save today
KATE
None, but..
JUSTIN
(erupted into laughter)
I thought so
KATE
Not crushing worms is the same as saving them
JUSTIN
True
KRISTEN
That's not true. It's CONKERS!
JUSTIN
That is so cruel.
KATE
There would be more worms on the sidewalk, if there fewer pedestrians like yourself...
JUSTIN
I hope you do not step on the snails when it rains.
KRISTEN
That's strange. You save them? that's great. I don't!
KATE
I salute pedestrians who rescue worms. I'll do the same. At the end of the day, the worms, like us, deserve to live. we're all here for a purpose!
JUSTIN
All creatures great and small are beautiful and deserve to live.
KATE
I have a confession....
JUSTIN
Please, don't reveal it on the sidewalk
KATE
It's nothing personal, so relax, please....
JUSTIN
Okay then. Go ahead
KATE
I used to transport snails from garden to your overgrown vegetable garden so they could get rid of the bush.
KRISTEN
You Animal. You...You... WORM!
KATE
I even fed them in your garden also
........................................
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Saturday, 13 October 2012
reminiscent of 1990's ice cream van
ICE CREAM van's jingle chimed piercingly, as it parked up alongside the sidewalk. Frenzied kids race one another from their doorsteps. They all want to be served some treats FIRST. Justin and his chums on the bench, are precipitously engulfed with nostalgia. They savor the ambrosial aspects of the 1990's.
JUSTIN
I just love the jingle. Go and get me some spearmints, please
STEFANI
The 90's are back. GO AND GET IT YOURSELF! while you are at it, get me the ice cream with the bubble gum in the bottom of the cone
KATE
Sorry, I'm not moving a muscle today. Not even for ice cream. Besides, nowadays, it's cheaper to get ice cream at ASDA
JUSTIN
True, but you wont find Popeye there
.............................................................................
ICE CREAM WOMAN
(smokes)
No drugs, cigarettes or retired TV presenter on this van, only delightful ice-cream. So come on kids. What would you like?
I was first. I should be served first
Go ahead then
Thanks, but I have to wait. My dad is still searching for his wallet.
....................................................................................
Hey Charlie, you missed the ice cream van yesterday. Didn't you hear the jingle
I did. I missed it because I believed my parents when they say the van driver was a kids' kidnapper. I discovered they just didn't have any money to buy me ice cream. UGH! They can afford bubble gum today. YEAH!
Great..There was an accident.
Really!
Yea. The ice cream van mistakenly ran over a child's hand
.......................................................................
JUSTIN
LOOK on those kids, still sitting on their doorsteps.
KATE
(quips)
Apparently, they have no one to buy them ice cream. Their parents should drive ice cream vans, then they would get free ice cream
STEFANI
That suck!.....My parents used to tell me that the ice cream man's jingle meant that he sold off all the icecream...That suck! Hmmm. I feel for some cider lolly or chocolate sauce and nuts
.................................................................................
£5 worth of ice cream, please.
ICE CREAM WOMAN
Sure. Hold the bowl properly before you spill the ice cream raspberry sauce and flakes
Thank you. May I have that broken cornet please?
.........................................................................................................
JUSTIN
Lord Alan sugar is the owner of the icecream van, I suppose
KATE
I wouldn't be surprised.. He can be as cold as ice
...................................................................
JUSTIN
Have you noticed it's mostly 14 year olds in the queue?
STEFANI
Yes...I hope the driver was properly vetted
.....................................................
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JUSTIN
I just love the jingle. Go and get me some spearmints, please
STEFANI
The 90's are back. GO AND GET IT YOURSELF! while you are at it, get me the ice cream with the bubble gum in the bottom of the cone
KATE
Sorry, I'm not moving a muscle today. Not even for ice cream. Besides, nowadays, it's cheaper to get ice cream at ASDA
JUSTIN
True, but you wont find Popeye there
.............................................................................
ICE CREAM WOMAN
(smokes)
No drugs, cigarettes or retired TV presenter on this van, only delightful ice-cream. So come on kids. What would you like?
I was first. I should be served first
Go ahead then
Thanks, but I have to wait. My dad is still searching for his wallet.
....................................................................................
Hey Charlie, you missed the ice cream van yesterday. Didn't you hear the jingle
I did. I missed it because I believed my parents when they say the van driver was a kids' kidnapper. I discovered they just didn't have any money to buy me ice cream. UGH! They can afford bubble gum today. YEAH!
Great..There was an accident.
Really!
Yea. The ice cream van mistakenly ran over a child's hand
.......................................................................
JUSTIN
LOOK on those kids, still sitting on their doorsteps.
KATE
(quips)
Apparently, they have no one to buy them ice cream. Their parents should drive ice cream vans, then they would get free ice cream
STEFANI
That suck!.....My parents used to tell me that the ice cream man's jingle meant that he sold off all the icecream...That suck! Hmmm. I feel for some cider lolly or chocolate sauce and nuts
.................................................................................
£5 worth of ice cream, please.
ICE CREAM WOMAN
Sure. Hold the bowl properly before you spill the ice cream raspberry sauce and flakes
Thank you. May I have that broken cornet please?
.........................................................................................................
JUSTIN
Lord Alan sugar is the owner of the icecream van, I suppose
KATE
I wouldn't be surprised.. He can be as cold as ice
...................................................................
JUSTIN
Have you noticed it's mostly 14 year olds in the queue?
STEFANI
Yes...I hope the driver was properly vetted
.....................................................
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Friday, 12 October 2012
unsavoury person on neighboring bench
SELF-STYLED retard, OLLY, dropped his bottom on NEIGHBORING sidewalk bench. He yanked off a shoes and sock immediately. His foot is a decrepit crocodile's back. SMELL of mildew, garbage and farts,wafted, hovered over the chums' heads. Passers-by covered their noses with hands, while HURRYING pass the benches.
STEELER
(to female pedestrian with cherubic face, dazzling smile and ACCUSING eyes)
It's not US, it's HIM!(points at OLLY)
MILEY
(gives OLLY filthy glare, retches)
YUCK!I admit, your foot smell nasty. Are you trying to KILL us? ..Feel Like I'm gonna vomit soon..I'll shed some tears first.
The RETARD let off a priggish..... grin.
MILA
(cover nose with tissue, cough excessively loud)
HEY. CRETIN. Your'e spoiling my pop-corn appetite
OLLY
GET LOST Loser!
MILA
what the hell?
OLLY
You can go to HELL (starts cutting toe nails)
MILEY
Oh No! What's he doing now?
STEELER
Excuse me! That is so NASTY!...this is not an APPROPRIATE time or place to cut your dirty nails
OLLY
I'm clipping them RIGHT HERE. NOT somewhere else...It's not the time or place to open your DIRTY mouth
MILEY
(points at OLLY, strenuously)
You are driving the tourists away, you selfish....person
OLLY
You GET LOST also!
BITS OF TOE NAILS FLY ALL OVER THE SIDEWALK BENCHES
STEELER
How gross....I suggest you control those...'things'
MILEY
You make me sick. you'll have to reimburse us for our popcorn. It's you who contaminated them
OLLY
(finishes cutting nails, put on shoe, walks away, cackling)
NICE TO MEET YOU GUYS! Same time, same BENCH tomorrow. I'll clipped nails on my other feet
then
.................................................................................................................
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STEELER
(to female pedestrian with cherubic face, dazzling smile and ACCUSING eyes)
It's not US, it's HIM!(points at OLLY)
MILEY
(gives OLLY filthy glare, retches)
YUCK!I admit, your foot smell nasty. Are you trying to KILL us? ..Feel Like I'm gonna vomit soon..I'll shed some tears first.
The RETARD let off a priggish..... grin.
MILA
(cover nose with tissue, cough excessively loud)
HEY. CRETIN. Your'e spoiling my pop-corn appetite
OLLY
GET LOST Loser!
MILA
what the hell?
OLLY
You can go to HELL (starts cutting toe nails)
MILEY
Oh No! What's he doing now?
STEELER
Excuse me! That is so NASTY!...this is not an APPROPRIATE time or place to cut your dirty nails
OLLY
I'm clipping them RIGHT HERE. NOT somewhere else...It's not the time or place to open your DIRTY mouth
MILEY
(points at OLLY, strenuously)
You are driving the tourists away, you selfish....person
OLLY
You GET LOST also!
BITS OF TOE NAILS FLY ALL OVER THE SIDEWALK BENCHES
STEELER
How gross....I suggest you control those...'things'
MILEY
You make me sick. you'll have to reimburse us for our popcorn. It's you who contaminated them
OLLY
(finishes cutting nails, put on shoe, walks away, cackling)
NICE TO MEET YOU GUYS! Same time, same BENCH tomorrow. I'll clipped nails on my other feet
then
.................................................................................................................
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Saturday, 6 October 2012
sweep talk her
JONES and his giggling chums on the bench, quickly switches the frequency to 'Romantic Interlude' on sidewalk FM. No one wants to miss the plenary bliss unfolding before their eyes. The courtly sidewalk sweeper stands by the stall. His broom falls nonchalantly to the ground the moment the vendor appears. No more tireless sweeping or filling bags with rubbish. It's time to exchange sweet words.
JONES
Put away the popcorn, take out the tissue, you may be moved to tears...
HEATHER
..speak for yourself....I've seen men sweet talk women before and I just laughed, NOT cry.
JONES
I'm just warning you...The sweeper's sweet talk can be quite POWERFUL
HEATHER
Like power rangers?
KRISTEN
Shhhhh!....He has started.
JUSTIN
You're the only princess on the sidewalk. I look forward to see you each day I come out to sweep. Even if you are ill, please come to work, because it would break my heart, if I have to sweep a day without seeing your beautiful face.
KRISTEN
Priceless
HEATHER
Hilarious!
JONES
(whispers)
Quiet please!
WINTER
I feel quite at home on the sidewalk when I see you. Your'e my ideal man. You are not cruel, and you are so gorgeous. And handsome.
JUSTIN
You are well beautiful yourself
WINTER
Can't help smiling when you speak to me like that
JUSTIN
When you smile SO sweetly, it makes me laugh. Your'e so funny
WINTER
By the way, you are looking quite hot today
JUSTIN
It feels great that you are totally into me, because I am totally into you
WINTER
(giggles)
I know. You have no clue how much I miss you when you leave
JUSTIN
(chuckles)
Lucky me
WINTER
Your'e gorgeous that's why. I bet your'e even more gorgeous naked
JUSTIN
(guffaws)
I AM!
WINTER
I have a naked image of you, right now, in my head
HEATHER
(chokes on popcorn)
KRISTEN
We should bring a vomit bucket next time
JONES
She better stay away from him. The sidewalk stretch for miles, with hundreds of other attractive vendors. She can't be the only one he likes...
KRISTEN
How dare you interfere in their personal business. You're just jealous
Do you think he's rich
JONES
YES! He's been sweeping for years. Unless he squandered his money..on roses, chocolates, wines
HEATHER
He's a clever man. He only squanders WORDS
They cackle shamelessly.
KRISTEN
This is the best soap opera on the sidewalk
HEATHER
Sure you not crying yet
KRISTEN
SHUT UP!
JONES
Shhh! I'm still watching this
KRISTEN
He's really into her....I think they are KISSING already
What you mean 'already? He's been wooing her each week for the past year....
JUSTIN
You breast are like beach balls... Your legs runs endlessly...
WINTER
This is particularly hot
KRISTEN
(rants)
This is FKN nonsense! I can't watch this no more..This is a compete waste of time!
JONES
Gosh, what a BIG temper you have!
KRISTEN
Sorry. It used to be TINIE
HEATHER
You may leave, but you have no clue what you be missing. This is the best thing going on right now. Take a look yourself(passes binoculars)
JONES
It's really good, please stay. It will get better, I promise
KRISTEN
I'm not the least convinced, but I'll stay
WINTER
Unlike other days, you look a bit rough today...rough and ready
JUSTIN
(seductive murmur)
Hmmm. I swear. You are getting more irresistible by the minute. I might have to get those losers on the bench to hold me back
KRISTEN
What the HELL! Who is he calling fkn losers?
HEATHER
(cheerily)
US! Of course
KRISTEN
I know. It was a rhetorical question, you lemming. HOW DARE HE!
HEATHER
Well, I LOST some money on the sidewalk yesterday....Does that count?
JONES
Never mind. He needs therapy
WINTER
I just wanna poke your dust-filled bottom
KRISTEN
It's getting worse, boring. We should leave before he leaves, or watch something else that is decent.
HEATHER
By the way, Kristen, your hair needs sorting out
JUSTIN
Now that I have seen you, my beautiful day is complete. Damn! Your'e amazing....
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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Sunday, 23 September 2012
sidewalk darling, KELSEY,chats with journalist
EXT.
SIDEWALK - DAY
Fiona and Corrie sandwich Kelsey on the sidewalk bench. All
are in their 20s. Kelsey is wearing his trademark black shorts and white V neck
T shirt. Journalist from Sidewalk TV interviews them.
JOURNALIST
Kelsey, every day we see you hanging out with these two
beautiful women on the sidewalk bench, just watching others go about
their business....
KELSEY
(cheerfully)
......Yes.
JOURNALIST
The question on our viewers’ lips is...
CORRIE
(defensively)
.......When is he gonna get a job?
JOURNALIST
ARE both of them going out with you?
FIONA
(jokingly)
He comes with us everyday....to this bench
KELSEY
(chuckles)
I’m surprised you asked me that question. Other sidewalk journalists
never ....walk away without
asking me that same question.
JOURNALIST
Are you gonna answer the question, Kelsey?
KELSEY
No!
JOURNALIST
Please answer the question.
FIONA
(cackling)
He just did!!!!!
KELSEY reaches for POPCORN and 3 BINOCULARS in his bag
beneath the bench. He hands Corrie and Fiona binocular each and poured popcorns
in their free, outstretched hands.
JOURNALIST
Really.!! Anyway, one final question, before we go....
CORRIE
Make damn sure!
FIONA
You see, we hang out on the sidewalk to have fun watching
people, not to be bored by journalists.
CORRIE
OUCH!
KELSEY
(reassuringly)
Pay them no mind...Go ahead and ask your final question..
JOURNALIST
Thank you...What do you hope to achieve by wasting
your free time laughing at people on the sidewalk, who are making something
of their lives.
KELSEY
Nothing!
JOURNALIST
Nothing? Aren’t you
simply just wasting yours and these two women’s’ precious time?
TOURISTS take pictures of Kelsey and his sidekicks.
KELSEY
(dismissively)
Far from it! Every day tourists take photographs of us, or
with us. Locals are cottoning on too. They always ask us for hugs. I’m now a cultural
icon on the sidewalk. That’s what I set out to do...Now, if you’ll excuse
me, we wanna watch this beautiful development at the sidewalk stall.
.............................................................
.............................................................
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Saturday, 18 August 2012
a must NOT read, for dog lovers
A HOMELESS man suffered a sudden seizure on the sidewalk. With a view to revive him, the sidewalk police interveened. The homeless man's pitbull, mistakenly thinking, its owner was being attacked, charged at the police. Onlookers watched in horror as a police officer opened fire on the defenseless dog. Pandemonium broke loose among the throng of onlookers.
BRADY:
POLICE BRUTALITY!
Dunkin' Donuts:
She was ONLY trying to protect him, as any faithful dog would have done. They didnt have to shoot her.
A Police Officer:
She was trying to kill US
KRISTIN:
Instead of shooting the innocent dog, you could have called Animal Control, you stupid ANIMAL!
JOEY:
WHAT THE HELL!
Pussy:
To Hell with the police!
Rihanna:
How's the dog
KIM:
Is the dog ok
KRISTEN:
Is it still alive
Let's call an ambulance for the dog before it dies
.......................................................................................................
POLICE: STAND BACK PLEASE!
ZEEK:
Everyone is going crazy because a threatening dog got shot, what about the poor homeless. Anyone wanna know how he's doing? You all acting like the dog's life is more important than that of a human being. GET A LIFE!
KIM:
I can't believe the police shoot the dog, what's the world coming to?
Vanessa:
If it was my dog, I'd institute legal proceeding against the police department.
......................................................................................................................
WILLIAM:
If they felt, they had to shoot the dog, they could have shot her in the leg, instead of in the head.
AIR:
Let the police do their jobs. if the man had a seizure, then he was finished anyway. Besides, he was homeless, so what's the point of him?
Vanessa:
This is so sad. You are even sadder. Have you no heart?
Idler:
Horrible day!
ZEEK:
What did you want the police to do? Stand there and be mauled to death by this ferocious dog? They have a right to defend themselves. A pitbull is a very vicious animal.
Pussy:
PREJUDICE!!!!
PHELPS:
They had no right to make the poor animal suffer so much and so long before it died
ZEEK:
I can't dispute that.
KRISTEN:
Poor dog died out of sheer loyalty for its owner
KRISTIN:
I'm a animal lover, through and through. My dog brings so much joy to my life. I'd die if she is killed, especially out of loyalty to me. But I understand why the police.......
PUSSY:
.......SNITCH!!!!!!
..................................................
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Wednesday, 15 August 2012
Riding bicycle on sidewalk
WALKING on the sidewalk is arguably, the safest means of getting around. No angry motowrists hurling abuse or threatening physical violence. However, there is no antidote for the vituperation, a jingoistic or abstemious sidewalk darling will mete out, if you cross him/her. So watch out for those pedestrians' tongues - and fists.
BICYCLE TYRES SCREECH ON SIDEWALK, PEDESTRIAN AND DOG RUN FOR COVER
MARS:
CYCLE LANE! Use the Cycle lane. I mean GET THE HELL OFF THE SIDEWALK!
PHILIP:
Why the HELL are you riding your bicycle all over the sidewalk? There is a safe cycle lane RIGHT THERE, yet you RETARD, choose to ride on the sidewalk. Your'e gonna unlawfully run over an innocent pedestrian. UGH!
POWERBALL:
Sorry. I hit the gear shift by mistake. So I lost control of the bicycle. Besides, its not safe to ride in the cycle lanes around here. Motorists are always running over cyclists in the cycle lane.
PHILIP:
I don't care. If you don't know how to ride a bicycle PROPERLY, you should leave your bicycle at home..Your'e an adult for, heaven sake, you should be a role model. So where is your helmet?
POWERBALL:
A helmet? it's sweltering and you want me to wear a damn helmet? Are you nuts?
PHILIP: (keying numbers on blackberry)
The police will decide who is nuts...
POWERBALL:
.....Please don't call the police. I don't wanna get another official warning, today.
PHILIP:
Don't worry, when I explain what happened, the police WONT give you an official warning, they will just give you a ticket.....You'll never learn that when you ride, you should be on the cycle lane, UNLESS, you're taught a lesson.
POWERBALL:
Whatever!!! Snitch...Those DOUCHE could never catch me, anyway, so go ahead and call them. They love burghers too muchFrankly, I don't see what's the fuss about. if I hit a pedestrian, he/she will get away with few scratches. On the other hand, if a motorists hit me in the cycle lane, I'd die
PHILIP:
Whatever!
.................................................
BICYCLE TYRES SCREECH ON SIDEWALK, PEDESTRIAN AND DOG RUN FOR COVER
MARS:
CYCLE LANE! Use the Cycle lane. I mean GET THE HELL OFF THE SIDEWALK!
PHILIP:
Why the HELL are you riding your bicycle all over the sidewalk? There is a safe cycle lane RIGHT THERE, yet you RETARD, choose to ride on the sidewalk. Your'e gonna unlawfully run over an innocent pedestrian. UGH!
POWERBALL:
Sorry. I hit the gear shift by mistake. So I lost control of the bicycle. Besides, its not safe to ride in the cycle lanes around here. Motorists are always running over cyclists in the cycle lane.
PHILIP:
I don't care. If you don't know how to ride a bicycle PROPERLY, you should leave your bicycle at home..Your'e an adult for, heaven sake, you should be a role model. So where is your helmet?
POWERBALL:
A helmet? it's sweltering and you want me to wear a damn helmet? Are you nuts?
PHILIP: (keying numbers on blackberry)
The police will decide who is nuts...
POWERBALL:
.....Please don't call the police. I don't wanna get another official warning, today.
PHILIP:
Don't worry, when I explain what happened, the police WONT give you an official warning, they will just give you a ticket.....You'll never learn that when you ride, you should be on the cycle lane, UNLESS, you're taught a lesson.
POWERBALL:
Whatever!!! Snitch...Those DOUCHE could never catch me, anyway, so go ahead and call them. They love burghers too muchFrankly, I don't see what's the fuss about. if I hit a pedestrian, he/she will get away with few scratches. On the other hand, if a motorists hit me in the cycle lane, I'd die
PHILIP:
Whatever!
.................................................
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Monday, 23 July 2012
Boris Johnson's 'hi folks' Oylmpics broadcast
BRADLEY: You don't normally walk it to work.
JOKER: I got unceremoniously frog-marched off the bus
BRADLEY: What for?
JOKER: Laughing everi 5 minutes
BRADLEY hastened his steps, then looked at him quizzically.
JOKER: Boris Johnson's DELIGHTFUL voice on the bus's intercom. EVERY 5 MINUTES!
BRADLEY: (cackled) YOU HAVE BEEN CAUGHT OUT! Did he sound bizarre?
JOKER: FREAKS ME OUT PROPERLY! While other OIKS, sorry, passengers merely cringed and grunted when the recording came on, I could'nt help bursting into laughter.I'm sorry for those on longer journeys..
BRADLEY: Boris Johnson making announcements on the buses...
JOKER:...and on the DLR and Tube as well
BRADLEY: UGH! What the hell is going on?
JOKER: Exactly what commuters needed on public transport during london 2102 olympics - The mayor greeting you with "hi folks."
BRADLEY: HE'S HILARIOUS. Please let us take the bus back from work. I will join you
JOKER: No chance! I'm gonna take the mayor's advice and walk it both TO and FROM work. So you don't join me. I'LL JOIN YOU
..................................................................
DAVID:
The man is everywhere. UGH! I was very tempted to punch the passenger sitting next to me. He got away because he looked as if he could defend himself.
CHAD:(teases)
I can sense your delight
DAVID:
You believe I got delight from hearing Boris's voice on repeat EVERY 5 MINUTES? Each time I hear it, I jump in fright. UGH!
CHAD:
So long as I leave my radio behind, I can walk on the sidewalk with peace of mind.
DAVID:
I feel quite jealous of you
CHAD:
No need. You have a clear choice. You don't have to take the buses or trains, just walk with me from now on.
DAVID:
TRUST ME! You'll never walk alone. I must escape Boris somehow. Why would they use Boris voice in this way?
CHAD:
I think they intended to scare passengers off public transport and onto the sidewalk...
DAVID:
He's scaring out of London....Soon the sidewalk will be packed with lots of damn LEMMINGS.
CHAD:(calmly)
Have you consider Boris's advice to work from home?
DAVID:
No offence, but my job is pertinent and purposeful, it CAN'T be done from home
......................................................................................................................
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DAVID:
The man is everywhere. UGH! I was very tempted to punch the passenger sitting next to me. He got away because he looked as if he could defend himself.
CHAD:(teases)
I can sense your delight
DAVID:
You believe I got delight from hearing Boris's voice on repeat EVERY 5 MINUTES? Each time I hear it, I jump in fright. UGH!
CHAD:
So long as I leave my radio behind, I can walk on the sidewalk with peace of mind.
DAVID:
I feel quite jealous of you
CHAD:
No need. You have a clear choice. You don't have to take the buses or trains, just walk with me from now on.
DAVID:
TRUST ME! You'll never walk alone. I must escape Boris somehow. Why would they use Boris voice in this way?
CHAD:
I think they intended to scare passengers off public transport and onto the sidewalk...
DAVID:
He's scaring out of London....Soon the sidewalk will be packed with lots of damn LEMMINGS.
CHAD:(calmly)
Have you consider Boris's advice to work from home?
DAVID:
No offence, but my job is pertinent and purposeful, it CAN'T be done from home
......................................................................................................................
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Thursday, 19 July 2012
London 2012 Oylmpics
THE SIDEWALK runs parallel to the olympic village. It's festooned with army personnel and officials for London 2012 Oylmpics. Nevertheless, the once cherubic,Emmy, aka the Dark Knight, and his sidewalk chums, walk pass insouciantly;as if their fake athletes' outfits grant them official sanction or a rite of passage. They dare anyone to defy them.
PARIS:(chortles at Emmy's antics)
You just might walk away with a gold medal if you perfect the Walk Like An Egyptian dance moves.
EMMY, aka the Dark Knight:
This is London 2012 olympics, NOT British Open 2012....It will take another four years for me to perfect those moves....Did you hear that models, including Kate Moss will walk during the olympics's closing ceremony.
BULGARIA:
Models? That means pedestrians like us are excluded...We are role models.
Dark Knight:
Who cares anyway. true role models like us are NOT required to wait for the closing ceremony. We can walk anytime we want; during opening ceremony, during the olympics or in the closing ceremony... London 2012 is here. the rain can't stop it. The terrorists can't stop it. Austerity can't stop it...ARE YOU READY? It's time to win MOST of the gold models...
Pedestrians, motorists, joggers, sidewalk vendors and passers-by exchange amused grins.
Dark Knight:(mimics Usain Bolt's trademark pose)
Usain Bolt sleeps in a 7 feet bed. Did you know that? No wonder he is the fastest man EVER. EVER! All i wanna see in London 2012 olympics is the sprint king, Usain Bolt, SPRINTING. I don't care if he wins
BULGARIA snigger while filming the Dark Knight in action. Raincoats, his woman, reprimands him.
RAINCOATS;
Stop it! It's rude to make a film of someone on the sidewalk.
BULGARIA:
I don't care. The guy is an idiot. I know him. Everyone knows he takes drugs...
RAINCOATs:
So!!!!
PARIS:
Although you have a dark side, Dark Knight, you are my role model. You are so brave to do what you're doing right now. Everyone is looking on you, but you clearly don't give a damn...watch where you walk. someone just vomit on the sidewalk. it's fresh vomit. UGH!
RAINCOATS:
Vomit expert on the sidewalk. It must be one of those DAMN olympic officials who did it. UGH!
The Dark Knight steps on the road to avoid vomit on the sidewalk
(APPROACHING VOICE)
Please walk on the sidewalk!
BULGARIA:
Who the hell are you?
Dark Knight:
Shhhh! He's an olympic official. Those over there are SOLDIERS, so don't get us arrested. Don't cause a scene. Please. Don't draw attention to us. Please
OLYMPIC OFFICIAL:
That's right. And it's my job to ensure pedestrians stay on the sidewalk. When the olympics starts, you'll be joined by the cyclists, so if I were you,I'd....
RAINCOATS: (to a tourist)
On the sidewalk, you stand on the right and walk on the left
TOURIST:(patiently)
As you can see, I'm WALKING, not STANDING. GRRR!
Dark Knight:
Fair enough. Walk on the LEFT then!
OLYMPIC OFFICIAL:
Shut up! You OIK!
Tourist:
Who the hell are you calling OIK?
OLYMPIC OFFICIAL:
Not you, you lemming!
TOURIST: (to |Dark Knight and his chums)
So how do you plan to support the olympics? I'll be shopping within walking distances, and I'll be walking to and from all my destinations.
Dark Knight:
I don't know. My advice to you, however, is to walk faster on the sidewalk, pedestrians will be less tolerant of slow walkers on the during London olympics.
RAINCOATS:
well, if I could walk faster, I would have qualified for the olympics' team, would'nt I?(kisses teeth)
Bulgaria:
To hell with the olympics
Dark Knight:
Who was talking to you?
...................................................................
AND
SIDEWALK LOOKS http://sidewalknarratives.blogspot.com/
PARIS:(chortles at Emmy's antics)
You just might walk away with a gold medal if you perfect the Walk Like An Egyptian dance moves.
EMMY, aka the Dark Knight:
This is London 2012 olympics, NOT British Open 2012....It will take another four years for me to perfect those moves....Did you hear that models, including Kate Moss will walk during the olympics's closing ceremony.
BULGARIA:
Models? That means pedestrians like us are excluded...We are role models.
Dark Knight:
Who cares anyway. true role models like us are NOT required to wait for the closing ceremony. We can walk anytime we want; during opening ceremony, during the olympics or in the closing ceremony... London 2012 is here. the rain can't stop it. The terrorists can't stop it. Austerity can't stop it...ARE YOU READY? It's time to win MOST of the gold models...
Pedestrians, motorists, joggers, sidewalk vendors and passers-by exchange amused grins.
Dark Knight:(mimics Usain Bolt's trademark pose)
Usain Bolt sleeps in a 7 feet bed. Did you know that? No wonder he is the fastest man EVER. EVER! All i wanna see in London 2012 olympics is the sprint king, Usain Bolt, SPRINTING. I don't care if he wins
BULGARIA snigger while filming the Dark Knight in action. Raincoats, his woman, reprimands him.
RAINCOATS;
Stop it! It's rude to make a film of someone on the sidewalk.
BULGARIA:
I don't care. The guy is an idiot. I know him. Everyone knows he takes drugs...
RAINCOATs:
So!!!!
PARIS:
Although you have a dark side, Dark Knight, you are my role model. You are so brave to do what you're doing right now. Everyone is looking on you, but you clearly don't give a damn...watch where you walk. someone just vomit on the sidewalk. it's fresh vomit. UGH!
RAINCOATS:
Vomit expert on the sidewalk. It must be one of those DAMN olympic officials who did it. UGH!
The Dark Knight steps on the road to avoid vomit on the sidewalk
(APPROACHING VOICE)
Please walk on the sidewalk!
BULGARIA:
Who the hell are you?
Dark Knight:
Shhhh! He's an olympic official. Those over there are SOLDIERS, so don't get us arrested. Don't cause a scene. Please. Don't draw attention to us. Please
OLYMPIC OFFICIAL:
That's right. And it's my job to ensure pedestrians stay on the sidewalk. When the olympics starts, you'll be joined by the cyclists, so if I were you,I'd....
RAINCOATS: (to a tourist)
On the sidewalk, you stand on the right and walk on the left
TOURIST:(patiently)
As you can see, I'm WALKING, not STANDING. GRRR!
Dark Knight:
Fair enough. Walk on the LEFT then!
OLYMPIC OFFICIAL:
Shut up! You OIK!
Tourist:
Who the hell are you calling OIK?
OLYMPIC OFFICIAL:
Not you, you lemming!
TOURIST: (to |Dark Knight and his chums)
So how do you plan to support the olympics? I'll be shopping within walking distances, and I'll be walking to and from all my destinations.
Dark Knight:
I don't know. My advice to you, however, is to walk faster on the sidewalk, pedestrians will be less tolerant of slow walkers on the during London olympics.
RAINCOATS:
well, if I could walk faster, I would have qualified for the olympics' team, would'nt I?(kisses teeth)
Bulgaria:
To hell with the olympics
Dark Knight:
Who was talking to you?
...................................................................
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Wednesday, 4 July 2012
It's Fun, Fundraising on Sidewalk
THWARTED fundraiser, Daniel, refused to give up. He attempted an extemporaneous speech to hex passers-by, "You see a curly heir boy on the
sidewalk, doing my job. I might look a little weird, but I'm innocent.
I'm just DESPERATE for someone to talk to me. It's 4th of July, PLEASE! Be nice.
Pedestrian, Frank: Sorry, I don't have the patience.
Daniel:
You just got off the bus, wanna talk?
Palin spoke to him for 15 minutes about the charity he was passionate about. THEN
Palin:
Now, if you'll excuse me
Daniel:
But I stopped you to tell you about MY charity
Sorry, I have no more time
I listened to you for 20 minutes, please give me a chance. Just 2 minnutes., okay, 30 seconds.
BYE
So aggressive. Ugh!
DANIEL:
Hello (to pedestrian sneaking pass) would you like to send a text for charity?
NO! next time.
danieL:
There wont be no NEXT TIME
I'm not that bad people,(pleaded to passers-by) talk to me please
Your'e not gonna walk away like everyone else?
Pedestrian smiled politely but failed to stop for a chat.
"Tough pedestrians", he sighed.
A mother stopped to fix a bag that was falling out of her push-chair. Fundraiser, saw and opportunity so pounced on her instantly.
"Sorry to approach youlike this, when your'e attending to your baby, but would you like to talk?"
Baby mother scurried away.
"I'M NOT A LEPER."
He improvised gimmicky dance routines to draw attention.
Pedestrian shook her head, "this is so surreal."
Daniel recognized a pedestrian he had approached earlier, so he went for the kill. "Will you speak to me this time?
No
(sighed in disbelief) Not again!
A group of pedestrians, including a baby mother pushing a pram, started to run the moment they spotted him.
No Need to run away! UGH!
..................................................................................................
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Pedestrian, Frank: Sorry, I don't have the patience.
Daniel:
You just got off the bus, wanna talk?
Palin spoke to him for 15 minutes about the charity he was passionate about. THEN
Palin:
Now, if you'll excuse me
Daniel:
But I stopped you to tell you about MY charity
Sorry, I have no more time
I listened to you for 20 minutes, please give me a chance. Just 2 minnutes., okay, 30 seconds.
BYE
So aggressive. Ugh!
DANIEL:
Hello (to pedestrian sneaking pass) would you like to send a text for charity?
NO! next time.
danieL:
There wont be no NEXT TIME
I'm not that bad people,(pleaded to passers-by) talk to me please
Your'e not gonna walk away like everyone else?
Pedestrian smiled politely but failed to stop for a chat.
"Tough pedestrians", he sighed.
A mother stopped to fix a bag that was falling out of her push-chair. Fundraiser, saw and opportunity so pounced on her instantly.
"Sorry to approach youlike this, when your'e attending to your baby, but would you like to talk?"
Baby mother scurried away.
"I'M NOT A LEPER."
He improvised gimmicky dance routines to draw attention.
Pedestrian shook her head, "this is so surreal."
Daniel recognized a pedestrian he had approached earlier, so he went for the kill. "Will you speak to me this time?
No
(sighed in disbelief) Not again!
A group of pedestrians, including a baby mother pushing a pram, started to run the moment they spotted him.
No Need to run away! UGH!
..................................................................................................
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