pedestrians' rage

Rage is doing a power walk but is annoyed he has to slow down to about 1 mile an hour. He is now behind a wheelchair user, RV who is driving rather slowly.




RAGE

Fudge!



Wheelchair user, RV tries to pass a middle aged woman who is dawdling from side to side, average speed, 0.5 miles an hour. She fails.


Wheel chair user breaks sharply, exhales loudly. She is angry but said nothing.



Rage smiles, he looks more patient now that he can see the full picture of what is happening.



Rage chuckles to himslef. Motorists, including a Olga Kurylenko lookalike, and other pedestrians on the other side are enthralled. They point, stare and grin to themselves.



The middle age woman is totally oblivious to the spectacle she is causing.



Wheel chair user tries again. Fails again. Breaks sharply, looks angrier. She throw her hands up in the air and spat out her unfinished cigarette in a rage.



Rage grins widely. It was obvious that he can pass both women just by briefly stepping in the street, then back onto the sidewalk, but he is clearly in no hurry this time.



Wheelchair user attempts to drive around the woman again. The woman shifts just in time to end up right in front. Wheelchair user hisses her teeth, not loud enough for the middle-aged woman to hear.



RAGE is dying with quiet laughter. He cannot wait for the scenario to escalate.




RAGE(chants like he is in The Incredibles)

HIT AND RUN! HIT AND RUN!.....



Wheelchair user glances back at Rage and frowns.




RAGE

Stuuuuupid!



Moments later, the sidewalk becomes a little wider, so the wheelchair user navigate her rival with ease. She looks back on her with a mean face then disappears at high speed.




MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN

Don't be mad at me because I can walk, and you can only drive. You need to control your cortisol when you're on the sidewalk



RAGE

Fudge!



CHUM

What's the matter with you Chum?



RAGE(looks behind him)

Just when the little entertainment was getting better, it ends. That middle-age woman is lucky she escapes in one piece



CHUM (laughs)

I could'nt wait to see the 'HIT AND RUN' you were clamouring for



RAGE

Me too. Apparently, the wheelchair user was only good at sulking. She's Stuuuuupid!



CHUM

That would have been the hilight of my day but it will happen next time....By the way, apparently, you are now a SIDEWALK COP



They stop in the middle of the sidewalk for a chat.



RAGE

How did you know..I mean who told you that? I wonder if it's that idiot who rode his bicycle on the sidewalk with his dog on a leash..



CHUM

Good guess, but NO



RAGE

The one who left his bicycle in the middle of the sidewalk while he urinate on your gate?



CHUM

Don't get me started by mentioning him! Guess again



RAGE

Okay, I wont mention him....Was it the one who rode his bicycle on the sidewalk in pyjamas and Tour De france helmet?



CHUM(GLEEFULLY)

YESS!



RAGE

still an idiot!




CHUM

You should NEVER called another human being an idiot. It's not right. I learnt that in Bonnie and Clyde art classes



RAGE

Well, I did not tell him I was a sidewalk cop, he THINKS I am a sidewalK cop. I enjoyed the thought so I played along....And before you ask, yes, I am still playing along.



CHUM

IDIOT!!!



RAGE

I KNOW



CHUM

I am refering to him



RAGE

You think I DID NOT know that?



They both laugh and pat each other on the back.




CHUM

ON A SERIOUS NOTE, Chum, I dont think its safe for you to walk around pretending to be a sidewalk cop though. I mean, these pedestrians are always raging. You could get hurt.



RAGE(shouts)

Let's get one thing straight!...I'm not afraid of anyone, so I can do and say as I please



CHUM

Christ! All that rage! I am not one of them. I am your chum, remember?



RAGE

I'm cool chum. I'm as cool as Timothy Olyphant. Don't worry. sorry.



CHUM

I'm not worried - just afraid.



RAGE

I am the defender of sidewalk norms....



CHUM

..but can you defend yourself against these angry people?



RAGE

What do you think?



CHUM

YES?



RAGE

They get nervous even when I walk pass them.




CHUM

LOOK OUT!



RAGE

WHAT IS IT?



They watch in amazement as two cops chase a cow heading in their direction.



RAGE

Get off the sidewalk fast!



CHUM

I am off it already...I had no idea cows could run that fast



RAGE

I had no idea cows could run at all



Rage runs to the side of the sidewalk as the cops dash pass in hot pursuit.



CHUM(marvels)

Those cows could win the Cedar Point 5K Challenge with ease. They are putting their hearts into it, we got to video it for youtube



RAGE

We got to...Those cops are struggling to catch them. This is hilarious!



CHUM

I think those cows could be stars in no time. You know what that could mean for us? We could be stars like Tiger Woods, Bruce Springsteen...



RAGE

...Amy Winehouse, Bruce Lee, Doris Day.....



CHUM

....or even bigger


RAGE

Bigger stars indeed. Good luck my chum. I will stick to the sidewalk



CHUM

Just kidding. These cops look like prats



RAGE

They are prats!



CHUM

I wish the cows would kick them in their faces. Now that would be a guaranteed hit on youtube



RAGE

That would have been the hilight of my day!



PEDESTRIAN (sarcastically)

Must you hold your MEDITATION in the middle of the MUHFUGGING sidewalk?



RAGE

It's a free country...


CHUM

...That's right, so mind your own business



PEDESTRIAN

Someone should fine you for standing in the middle of a moving sidewalk



RAGE

BE OUR GUEST!



PEDESTRIANS

Douchebag! I mean douchebagS



RAGE

You are starting to piss me off, you know



CHUM

Me too. He is starting to grind my gears



PEDESTRIAN

It's one thing for tourists to linger in the middle of the sidewalk. But for you locals to do the same thing? You should know better.



RAGE

Whatever!



CHUM

Who cares?




Later that evening.




APPROACHING VOICE

Keep moving please. At this time of the night no one is allowed to stand on the sidewalk



RAGE(shouts angrily)

SAYS WHO?



CHUM

Besides, this is MY gate.



RAGE(whisper)

Your gate is miles away, remember?



CHUM

Just shut up. Whose side are you on?



RAGE

Yours. Fudge! I wonder if he is the real sidewalk cop



CHUM(whisper)

There are no sidewalk cops, anywhere. The government don't have resources to throw away like that. So it's only idiots think sidewalk cops exists



RAGE

I know



COP(flashes his badge)

Okay then. I will let you stay but I will need your personal details....



RAGE

...Is this necessary?



COP

You are on governemnt's property, so yes, it is necessary


CHUM

This part of the sidewalk is my gate...



Cop start to search the ground.


RAGE

Mr Cop, please tell us what you lost. We will help you look for it




On Canada day, it is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.



*****************************************
Now the guy beside me is watching finding nemo. jealous rage http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-ALL-That-RAGE-series/187046614676051

Pedestrians' Rage

Cyclist approaches Rage with his dog on a leash



CYCLIST(mouths)

Get out the way! Move!


RAGE(mouths back)

Hang on a minute. You're riding a bicycle on the sidewalk? And you are demanding that I move out the way? I DON’T THINK SO!



CYCLIST(mouths)

YES! And stop perving on me, I am not Heidi Montag



RAGE

Fudge that! I will kick you hard in your balls, you know. Don’t mess with me.



CYCLIST

In your dreams



RAGE(screams)

Get off the sidewalk and get on the road!



CYCLIST

If you don’t wanna see me ride my bike on the sidewalk, then get the fudge off. Walk somewhere else. Anywhere I ride my bicycle; the likes of you should not walk there.



RAGE(mouths)

Oh! So you own the sidewalk now? I'll teach you a lesson!



CYCLIST(mocks)

Oh! So you're the boss for the sidewalk now?



RAGE

Sorry you poor dog. You should not be punished for your master’s misdeed. But I am afraid, you are gonna get it too



CYCLIST

If you harm my dog, you will have to harm me as well. I will run you down and break your fudgeing neck.....I prefer to run you over than to be run over by a motorist. It's not safe at all to ride on the road. I am scared.



RAGE

It’s not safe to ride a bike at all…it’s best to go about your business in a car



CYCLIST

No can do. My New Year’s resolution was not to put on weight



RAGE(laughs)

Was it to take it off?



Just as they are about to pass each other, Rage deliberately stomps into a puddle of dirty water which splashes squarely into the cyclist’s face.



Rage roars in laughter.



CYCLIST

That’s not nice. Has anyone ever been this horrible to you?



The dog hardly got wet but it whimpers then scampers around the bike




RAGE

As a matter of fact, yes. SO since I did the same to you, just call it KARMA



Cyclist spins his bike around in a rage and chases Rage



CYCLIST

Well, I have a little déjà vu for you. Hope you'll like it



RAGE (jeers)

You are on a bike for Christ’s sake! Can't you go any faster than 2 miles an hour



CYCLIST

Maybe not, but BEWARE!



RAGE

You will have to catch me first. But you are ALREADY running last, so I dont see how you gonna catch me first.


Cyclist slowly unwinds the leash and sets the dog on Rage.



RAGE

Get a life you darn dog! If I had my paintball gun, I would not think twice what I'd would have done with it.



Dog chases Rage. Rage starts to walk a lot faster



RAGE

Hey turtle. Your dog is a little faster than you. Are you feeling proud or ashamed?




Cyclist let go off the leash completely. Dog catches Rage. Rage kicks at the dog's head but misses.



RAGE

Fudge! I Think I better walk for my life.



CYCLE

If I were you I would try RUNNING for your life - too late now anyway



RAGE

I never run. Why should I when I can walk at top speed? I am always ahead. I know I can do it this time as well.



Rage increases his speed a little more. The dog gets angrier, springs on Rage's rear and bites it. Rage cries out in pain.



CYCLIST( loud laughter)

I hope you have learnt your lesson, you sidewalk bully!



RAGE

Thank your lucky stars I have decided not to teach you a lesson




CYCLIST

MOUSE!



RAGE

I am a man, not a mouse. I just don't have the bail money. However, you still do not have the right to ride your bike on the sidewalk. So I am ready to fight you all the way to round 12 to defend the sidewalk norms....



CYCLIST

Bring it on! As you can see, I am still riding on the sidewalk as we speak..so what you gonna do about it



RAGE

Not today. Don't let me catch you tommorrow or any other day


Dog chew on Rages foot. Rage kick at it defiantly.



CYCLIST

MOUSE!



RAGE

I know you just withdraw money from RBC bank. Apart from your dog that BARKS alot....



CYCLIST

....and BITES rears



RAGE

....there are no witnesses, so if I were you, I would turn around and go about my business.



CYCLIST

You didnt you allow me to go about my business. did you? there is no real danger when cyclist ride on the sidewalk - only PERCEIVED. so you should have just leave me alone



RAGE

I am only doing my job. If it was safe for cyclist to ride on the sidewalk, that big sign saying CYCLIST NOT ALLOWED would not be there



CYCLIST

I get nauseous and nervous when I ride on the street



RAGE

If I catch you riding on the sidewalk again, when I finish with you, you will wish you were only feeling nauseous and nervous...The sidewalks are just for pedestrians.




CYCLIST (protests)

But I heard it's okay to ride on the sidewalk if you have a child on the back



RAGE

Do you have a child?



CYCLIST

No. But I might be a father someday



RAGE

Too much information....listen, I'll let you off today. You may ride on the sidewalk if you feel the need to do so. But you must make a swift detour if you see a pedestrian coming your way.



CYCLIST

Who do you think you are? You are not even fit to be a sidewalk cop. Everyone thinks you are a bully who push and kick pensioners, handcaps and children out of the way....



RAGE

....As soon as the pedestrian has passed, then you may re-enter the sidewalk.



CYCIST

I think you are actively trying to let me lose my respect for you and all other sidewalk cops



RAGE

For safety reasons, only people under 16 are allowed to ride on the sidewalk. You are behaving like a CHILD but you are a grown man. So you are clearly exempted. I really don’t give a fudge if you lose respect for me because I am doing my job properly


CYCLIST

Are you calling me old?



RAGE

I am calling you an ADULT. Do you have a problem with that. Would you like to make an official complaint to my superiors?



CYCLIST

Is it too much to ask for equality



RAGE

Look! Riding your bike is on the sidewalk is not allowed because it is dangerous. When you do so with a dog on a leash, you become more of a menace. I try to engage you....



CYCLIST

A menace? A menace to who? To what?



RAGE

To everyone!



CYCLIST

Everyone like who?



RAGE

Industry, commerce, trade.....



CYCLIST

....Are you out of your mind? You are so funny. You know that, right?



RAGE

I tried to engage you in a civil manner about your wrong doing but you do not care. Next time, I will do no such thing. I will just FINE you.



CYCLIST

I am confused. I rode on the streets yesterday and a driver said he would run me over if he ever caught me riding my bicycle on the streets as if it’s a motorized vehicle, today you are threatening me with a fine for riding on the sidewalk. My mother always said I should ride on the sidewalk. I have never disobeyed my mother.



RAGE

Sidewalk for pedestrians! If you love the sidewalk so much, then just give up the fudgeing bicycle


A powered wheel-chair speeds by. A midget drives, while a dwarf rides on the back. Rage sighs heavily and throws up his hands in despair.



CYCLIST

I am so proud of them



RAGE

Do you wanna feel the back of my hand?



SCENE 8

Location - side-walk

Characters - Rage, Cyclist



**************************************
she's watching the Casey Anthony murder trial live on YouTube. defence lawyers makes her rage http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-ALL-That-RAGE-series/187046614676051

Pedestrians' Rage

SCENE 7


STARING AT OTHER PEDESTRIANS


Location - side-walk

Characters - Rage, Jogger



Rage admires jogger who is about to overtake him. She stares back at him sternly.





JOGGER

What the fudge are you looking at?



RAGE

YOU of course!



JOGGER

Will you stop, please? I don’t even know you. If my man was here, he would take you out of the game like Albert Pujols


RAGE(teasing)

Where did you meet him? On the beautifulpeople website


JOGGER

Are you jealous I look good enough to be accepted somewhere



RAGE

So why are you so close to me? I have no magnet on me; besides, the sidewalk is very wide, so why pass so close to me? You could be an undercover pickpocket for all I know. You can’t get this close to me and expect me not to look.



JOGGER

Do you understand you are freaking the fudge out of me! You have no right to be staring at me like that.


RAGE

I am not staring at you; I am just looking – because you are so hot



JOGGER

Oh! So I should just be happy and do a victory dance. I was not brought up like that, I’m afraid



RAGE

Whatever!



JOGGER

PERVERT! CREEP! DOG!...



RAGE

..Man’s best friend



JOGGER

You seem very proud of your shamelessness. I wouldn’t if I were you.



RAGE

You’re so full of yourself. I bet you feel that all the other pedestrians are staring at you also



Jogger trips. Her lollipop rolls in the dirt.



RAGE(laughing)

Serve you right!



Jogger brushes the dirt off the lollipop and sticks it in her mouth



RAGE

Yuck!



JOGGER

I am not gonna die because I eat a little dirt. You can laugh as much as you like, I feel no shame.




RAGE

Nasty!



JOGGER

Watch where you’re going!


Rage crashed into a lamppost. Jogger giggles and dashes pass him.




*************************************************************
Unfortunately for LIL B, he has fallen in love with you and LIL B being LIL B, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you. It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so. Your behaviour on your visit to Devon during April was staggering in its uncouthness and lack of grace. http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-ALL-That-RAGE-series/187046614676051

Pedestrians' Rage at the traffic light

SCENE 6



Location - side-walk

Characters - Rage, Jogger and Drunk





Rage approaches green traffic light. The pedestrian in front of him cut his speed.



RAGE

You should be walking faster now! Are you trying to let the red light catch you? I'M NOT.



The light changes to red.



RAGE (fumes)

Fudge!



Rage is distracted by a spectacle at the traffic light. As a jogger waits for the light to change to green, she jogs on the spot. A drunk, occasionally sipping from a can, mimics her.

She yells at him.



JOGGER

Retard!



The light is still on red when Rage reaches there. This seems like eternity. He did not want to stop or slow down. An idea pops into his head. Instead of halting, he walks around briskly - on the spot.


The jogger glances at both Rage and the drunk with disgust, rolled over her eyes then tries to turn her back to them.



RAGE

What’s your problem? You health-obsessed, EXERCISE FREAK!



Drunk cackles.



JOGGER

RetardS



DRUNK(to Rage)

She thinks she is too HEALTHY to associate with us in public.



RAGE
And you are?


DRUNK (excitedly)

My name is.....


RAGE

....I don’t wanna know. Fudge off!



Finally, the light changes to green. Jogger speeds away.



JOGGER

Bye losers!



RAGE

Meanwhile, both Rage and the drunk continue to do their thing. This made it possible for the other pedestrians to move off before them.



RAGE

FUDGE! Slow people are first off the block as usual. At their pace, the red light will catch me here again.


DRUNK (admonishes)

Don’t let them get to you


RAGE

You will get my fist if you hang around a little longer.....SLOW WALKERS


Rage rolls his eyes.


DRUNK (jogs away quickly)

Really rude!


Rage chases the drunk with a brisk walk. The other pedestrians scurry out of the way without being prompted.

Rage grabs the drunk by his shirt collar.



PEDESTRIAN (screams)

CALL THE POLICE!



The drunk spins around and splashes Rage’s face with whatever was in the can.



RAGE

You will never drink alone again, CHUM



*******************************************
Unfortunately, this was not the first example of bad manners stephen colbert have experienced from you. If you want to be accepted by the wider Colbert family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste