DRIVING.... ME CRAZY

Guiness truck driver, BONDS:(jumps in truck)

Kids, sit back relax and enjoy. I'll be playing a new game on the road today. I will attempt to run EVERY mini car off the road. Whoever sees the first mini car, just shout START


ROAD PRESENTER James:

Welcome. I'm James, the doyenne of sidewalk presenters..On the other side of town, TRAWICK is looking forward to wonderful things happening to him on the road. Because of past experiences, however, he is a little anxious. He and BONDS are complete srangers and it's very unlikley they'll run into each other. Let's keep our fingers crossed for them. for TRAWICK. That BONDS seems to be a perfidious character.




TRAWICK (praying as he gets in car)

I hope squirrels do not run across the road WHEN i'M DRIVING, I hear that's bad luck. Help me save any pet animal that gets in the way, I don't wanna break any young kids heart. I DON'T WANT TO BE RUN OFF THE ROAD AGAIN. Instead, let me see shooting stars hovering above, so all my wishes can come through. aMEN


TRAWICK STOPS TO ALLOW KIDS TO CROSS ROAD. KIDS WAVE AND DISPLAY THUMBS UP

HE SMILES




JAMES (notices Bonds's truck several feet behing TRAWICK's car)

This is funny, odd, awkward. it's too late for TRAWICK to turn back now. For how much longer will he be safe?


Kid HURD: (notices TRAWICK'S mini car)

S T A R T T TT!!!!!!!



KID Christopher


NO!!!




HURD

What are you scared of this time?


BONDS: (to CHRISTOPHER)

He's driving too SLOW son. I must teach him a lesson.



CHRISTOPHER:

Is that right dad?



DAD:(harrumphs)


Not really,BUT HE'S DRIVING.... ME CRAZY



CHRISTOPHER:

DAD! That's too dangerous.



HURD:

Such a girl.



BONDS:


OKAY okay. STOP IT you two. Hurd, everyday, you remind me of me; I was a feral child as well....Anyway, I will not run him off the road, I will just creep up on him until I'm a few feet away from his bumper.



CHRISTOPHER:

HURRAH! This is the dad I like



HURD:

Same here



AFTER A FEW MINUTES



BONDS:

Sorry kids. I'm getting bored of this. This is not a game anymore. I have to GET HIM OUT OF THE WAY



CHRISTOPHER:

NO! calm down dad. And keep your hands on the wheels...the STEERING WHEEL



HURD:

Just be careful dad, CHRIS is very terrified




BONDS LAUGHS AS HE ZIG ZAGS BEHIND TRAWICK'S CAR



SIDEWALK PRESENTER JAMES: Don't be fooled by the bright lights and the blaring music from the vehicles. They are just a penumbra of something sinister. ANGER. Anger is becoming more and more ubiquitous these days. The road is a Mecca for angry motorists, so you can count on a showdown between these two.




TRAWICK (shouts)

hey. YOU JERK! watch how you drive. You're going too fast and too dangerously. Do you prefer to lose your life in a moment than to lose just a moment of your life by being patient and courteous?



BONDS:(indicates middle finger, then accelerates)


Slow drivers like you should be behind me, not BEFORE




CHRISTOPHER SCREAMS



HURD:


You'll have to leave him at home tomorrow dad. He has no guts for this fun game.




TRAWICK:(Cuts speed as BOND'S car edges closer and closer, menacingly)

I swear, if you hit my bumper today, I am suing you TODAY



BONDS:

WHATEVER!




LOUD BANG as TRAWICK'S car careers off the road and into a filthy ditch.



TRAWICK:

Are you trying to kill us, YOU DRUNK



BRAUN:(wakens from passenger's seat of TRAWICK'S car)

CRAZY!!! I bet he was was eating while driving



TRAWICK:

God knows. Maybe he was just tweeting Christmas messages. Ugh!




PEDESTRIAN Craig:

Jesus Christ! Are you okay down there?


BRAUN:

We are fine thanks, just a little frightened...




TRAWICK:


....and wet. I urinated on myself



CRAIG: (Turns head away to disguise a snigger)

Thank God You are not hurt....Are you OKk?



BRAUN (sarcastically)


No. WE ARE KNOCKED OUT, YOU IDIOT...WE'RE FINE, THANKS



CRAIG:


No fractures or broken ribs?



TRAWICK(drives car out of ditch, onto road again)


WE ARE FINE!



CRAIG:

Calm down. I'm just trying to help. The last time I saw someone got ran off the road, the suffered fractures and broken ribs. They ended up in the hospital. never mind. I will pray for you nonetheless.



BRAUN:

Thanks. But we're fine now.




CRAIG:

I can help.




TRAWICK SPEEDS UNTIL HE CATCHES BONDS AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS. HE PULLS UP ALONGSIDE BOND'S TRUCK,THEN HONKS HORN LOUDLY




CHRISTOPHER:

Tomorrow we will just walk



HURD:

Speak for yourself!



BONDS:

You'll do no such thing. Not while I have this truck. Too much walking isn't good for your little feet




CHRISTOPHER:

We found some money yesterday when we walked. So walking isn't that bad



BONDS:

REALLY! It was your lucky day son. I'll let you walk from now on then, but any money you find, WILL BE MINE.



TRAWICK CONTINUES HONKING HORN TO GET BOND'S ATTENTION. BONDS IGNORES HIM BY DOWNING A CAN OF GUINESS.




MOTORISTS: (raised voice)

SHUT UP. there is no need for all this racket so early in the morning



TRAWICK: (jotting down websites; Dating sites, on truck and its licence's plate number)

Mind your business



BONDS (YELLS)

Will you stop honking that horn SO early in the morning. What's your problem? MORON! You choose the wrong day to mess with me


TRAWICK AND BRAUN SINGS Rebecca Ferguson's "Your A Dumbass" at BONDS



BONDS: (to his kids)

They're just jealous of my Plus size clothing, 0% credit cards and Samsung Galaxy Tab



KIDS GIGGLE


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