Distracted taxi driver Lee Evans

TAXI driver, Lee Evans: lights a cigarette and starts to sings Christina Aguilera's CAR WASH


PASSENGER Martyn Pawpaw:

You sound like a strangled mice..WHAT THE HELL! Have you gotten tired of watching Desperate Housewives, counting money or making telephone calls?



TAXI driver:

NO! Advert break



PASSENGER Martyn Pawpaw:

MY LIFE IS IN YOUR HANDS. It’s against the law to endanger your passengers' lives. You know that!



My fare is in your pocket. YOU KNOW THAT! You don’t have to wait till you reach your destination to pay me, you know. Don’t worry about my driving. I’m not new to THIS.


You’re not new to DRIVING? Thank God!


I’m not new to watching DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES or doing other stuffs while my passengers sit QUIETLY in the back or JOIN IN. Never had an incident. HA HA HA!


I pay you….


....You have not paid me YET, REMEMBER?



I will be paying you to take me to my destination safely but you are worrying me more and more



Stop worrying. If you had kids with you, I could understand your concern….cheer up


Okay. (starts praying)


That’s not necessary. You’ll be fine. What’s your favourite beer? A COLD one? HA HA HA


You drink while driving with passengers?



SURE. If they are not too shy, they happily drink with me. I ALWAYS have enough to share




DRIVER RESUMES WATCHING DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES



WILL YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT? You're scaring me!



DRIVER IGNORES HER



UGH: I HAVE TO GET MY OWN CAR!


I AGREE




DRIVER ANSWERS TELEPHONE, STARTS STEERING WITH ELBOW



MUPPET! ARE YOU MAD? You’re getting from BAD TO WORSE! This is unacceptable. If you wanna kill yourself, do so when I get out of your taxi



This is what you get when you complain too much.


I DON'T WANNA SEE YOU OR YOUR TAXI AGAIN


AND IF YOU SEE IT, PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT. I HATE BORING PASSENGERS!


I hate RECKLESS TAXI DRIVERS!


I'm a trendsetter kind of guy. I’m not your average taxi driver. I have hobbies.


RIGHT HERE, PLEASE!..Thanks for the ride. Good night


You forget to pay me


I did not forget. GOOD NIGHT!


I will call the police


I DARE YOU. After behaving like a PRICK, you'll only make it easier for me to REPORT YOU


I...I..I I WON'T CALL THEM. I change my mind


Good! Good night!

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SIDEWALK THEATRE and SIDEWALK LOOKS http://www.facebook.com/allthaTRAGE

SIDEWALK LOOKS http://sidewalknarratives.blogspot.com/

Meg Whitman and Rihanna see condom on the sidewalk

GRRR Meg Whitman:
LOOK!

UGH Rihanna:

What is it?

GRRR:
NOTHING! Just a random condom on the sidewalk. I wonder how it got here.

UGH: (turns face away)
I HAVE NO IDEA! Can't you see I'm eating my Big Mac. UGH! PLEASE talk about something more pleasant or SHUT THE HELL UP!...People are so UNSAVOURY these days. UGH!


GRRR:

Unlike you, there is no doubt that these UNSAVOURY people use protection. You should follow their example. It's NEVER too late to start. I'll pick up this ONE for you


UGH:
For heaven sake! NO! WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT. Are you out of your mind? PICK IT UP FOR YOURSELF! ARGHH!


GRRR:

Chum, this is your chance to do your bit for the environment. RECYCLE IT!

UGH:
HELL NO! I can't do that. THERE ARE ANTS ALL OVER IT. YUCK!

GRRR:
Its’ very good for them; packed with vitamins, proteins and minerals, VITAMINS…

UGH:
…THAT'S DISGUSTING!

GRRR:
They are having the blood also

UGH:
STOP! PLEASE!


GRRR:(cackles)

Okay. Look where you're walking...You just stepped on another condom


UGH:

DAMN! There are so many trash cans on the sidewalk. WHY THE HELL are these people REFUSING to use them?


GRRR:

I have no idea

UGH: (mutters to himself)
One hundred and twenty third day of the year, so far I have seen 17 condoms on the sidewalk. UGH!!!


GRRR

Here is another one. Shall I pick it up for you?


UGH:

NO!


GRRR:

There are no ants on it.


ARGH:

I DON'T CARE


GRRR:

It is UNOPENED also


ARGH:

BUT, BUT but...


GRRR:

If you had looked at them when I invited you to do so, you would have seen that for yourself


ARGH: (chases GRRR)

You made me feel nauseous over NOTHING?...Wait till I get my hands on you...


GRRR: (running away)

Spare me and I will give you BOTH OF THEM


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SIDEWALK THEATRE and SIDEWALK LOOKS http://www.facebook.com/allthaTRAGE

SIDEWALK LOOKS http://sidewalknarratives.blogspot.com/

jill zarin jumps queue on the sidewalk

QUEUE AT APPLE STORE EXTENDS ON SIDEWALK



GRRR Austin Box:

EXCUSE ME!!! WHAT THE HELL gives you the right to jump the queue?




MAN:

EXCUSE ME?!!!



GRRR:

WE have been waiting for ages. You suddenly turn up and jump ahead of us. HOW DARE YOU!! This is the 21st century NOT the medieval age. UGH!


MAN:

I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about



GRRR:

You know DAMN well what I am talking about, you LAZY bitch!



MAN:

GET OUT OF MY FACE, RETARD!!


WOMAN:

You realized there was a queue when you arrived, RIGHT?



MAN:

RIGHT



GRRR:

THEN you shouldn't jump it, you..you..RETARD. We were here first. We HATE WAITING as much you, but we decided to be fair to those before us



MAN:

I DID NOT JUMP THE QUEUE!! How many times do I have to say that?



GRRR:

YOU DID!


GRRR GRABS THE MAN BY HIS NECK AND HAULS HIM DOWN THE SIDEWALK TO THE BACK OF THE QUEUE



MAN:

GET OFF ME YOU HOOLIGAN!



GRRR:

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE 4 PLACES BEHIND ME, NOT BEFORE


GADGETLOVER1: (pulling GRRR from the man)

He did not jump the queue… I allowed him to go in front of me


GADGETLOVER2:

So did I


GADGETLOVER3:

So did I


GADGETLOVER4:

So did I



GRRR:

I didn’t see any of that. And I don’t understand why ALL of you would allow him to jump ahead. ARE YOU ALL BLIND? FOR GOD SAKE. He is not old, he is not disabled, so WHY?



GADGETLOVER2:

You were busy playing ANGRY BIRD…That’s why you saw nothing



GADGETLOVER2 pulls GRRR aside and whisper in his ears. “You must be the only one in the queue who does not recognise him


GRRR look at man closely. “I don’t know him from Adams”



GADGETLOVER2:

He’s, RIMM, that famous racing driver who used to live down the road



GRRR:

REALLY!!!....Is it true that you’re that famous racing driver…


MAN:

…What??....I am yet to pass my driving test



GRRR:

You MUST give back those 4 places that these innocent customers gave you. That’s FRAUD!


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SIDEWALK THEATRE and SIDEWALK LOOKS http://www.facebook.com/allthaTRAGE

SIDEWALK LOOKS http://sidewalknarratives.blogspot.com/

miss universe 2011 contestants pick nose

GRRR CUTS SPEED TO ARGUE WITH A FELLOW DRIVER


GRRR:

I saw you picking your nose. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING! UGH!!!



CHUM: (laughs)

ha! ha! ha! ha! She looks like she was digging for gold



DRIVER:

I WAS NOT picking my nose, I was simply SCRATCHING it



GRRR:

DON'T LIE! WE SAW YOU. you were picking your nose as if NO ONE was watching. I got news for you, EVERYONE was watching. UGH!



CHUM(smitten)

You're as beautiful as one of the miss universe 2011 contestants, so I don't mind if you pick your nose, provided you don't eat it afterwards. I'll drive with you ANYTIME!



DRIVER SMILES BROADLY



CHUM:

If you MUST pick your nose, make sure you wind up your window so no one will see you



GRRR:

UGH!!! Don't get me started CHUM. Drivers like her are a DISGRACE! She would be in the next lane by now. Picking your nose while driving is not only DISGUSTING it's also DISTRACTS



CHUM:

You're right. It could be dangerous. What if your finger misses and poke you in they eyes. Who would drive you home?



GRRR:

I once made a turn without using the indicator because I was too busy picking my nose. LEARNT MY LESSON. YOU CAN'T SAY WE DID NOT WARN YOU!



DRIVER:

I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO INSULTS FROM YOU TWATS!



TYRES SCREECH AS SHE SPEEDS OFF, DISSAPPEARING IN A CLOUD OF DUST AND SMOKE



CHUM:

DON'T WORRY. I made a video of her DIGGING FOR GOLD. I'm gonna ensure she become a youtube sensation



GRRR:

ha! ha! ha! ha!


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SIDEWALK THEATRE and SIDEWALK LOOKS http://www.facebook.com/allthaTRAGE

SIDEWALK LOOKS http://sidewalknarratives.blogspot.com/

HOLLY VALANCE cruising in a friend's convertible

Pedestrians and other motorists are arguing with GRRR in slow-moving traffic.

MOTORIST:

What’s the point of driving a 2011 mustang convertible GT, if you’re gonna keep the top up? MORON!


GRRR:

GUMBY! Mind your business! I do what a like; I did not buy it on credit. I earned it through hard work and credit.


MOTORIST: (dreamily)

I wish I owned a convertible. There is no greater feeling than driving ONE in the sunshine WITH THE TOP DOWN


GRRR:

You’re just jealous of my success. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS! LOSER!!!!


PEDESTRIAN:

You’re missing out on the glorious sunshine and the gentle breeze. PUT THE TOP DOWN!


GRRR: (TEASES)

YOU CAN'T EVEN AFFORD A REGULAR CAR. TAKE A HIKE...Mind the dog's shxt!


PEDESTRIAN:

The fool and his convertible will soon part


GRRR:

WHATEVER! As much as I love sunny days like today, I will not allow the BREEZE to ruin my new hair-style


GRRR’s companion,HOLLY VALANCE, giggles.



MOTORIST:(laughingly sings Neil Diamond's YOUR SO VAIN..)

Don't you want to enjoy the sunshine and cool breeze?



GRRR:(hisses teeth)

I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE. It's 9 11 now. If I hear one word of your mouth 9 15, your new friend here will have to take you to the hospital



PEDESTRIAN:

YOU IDIOT! Is this how you enjoy the success you CLAIMED you have worked hard for?


GRRR:

GET LOST! It’s none of your business


MOTORIST:

A downpour is forecasted for this afternoon, so if I were you, I would make the most of this fantastic weather



HOLLY VALANCE whispers in his ear. Few minutes later, driver caves in and not only put the top down, but also turns up the volume on the stereo.


CHEERS AND APPLAUSE


Driver smiles and gives the thumbs up to his admirers. He pulls up outside Burgher King. While they were inside doing whatever, the sun went in and the downpour came.


GRRR:

UGH!


He sprints towards the car. Loses his balance, slips and falls flat on his face. He gets up and limps rest of the way. He SWEARS AND CURSES AS HE FINDS IT DIFFICULT TO RAISE THE ROOF OF THE CAR.


Needless to say, he is properly drenched and the car is flooded with water. Even HOLLY VALANCE is dying with laughter as she watched from Burger King’s window with her new friends.

earphone blares #Freddie Mercury's Doodle in jogger's ears

CHUM: (ear phone playing Freddie Mercury's Doodle "Don't stop me now")

(shouting) I REMEMBER WHEN YOU HAD TO FORCE ME TO GO JOGGING WITH YOU, THESE DAYS, I LOOK FORWARD TO DO IT SO MUCH. YOU'RE MY MOTIVATOR


GRRR:

You preferred to stay home and watch #Gran Torino OR #Texas a m Football..You’re getting better.


CHUM:

WHAT?


GRRR:

YOU’RE GETTING BETTER EVERYDAY. I’M SO PROUD OF YOU. I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ARE THE SAME PERSON WHO HAD NO INTEREST IN GETTING IN SHAPE BY JOGGING



CHUM:

BACK THEN, I JUST LACKED THE WILL TO DO ANY FORM OF WORKOUT….


GRRR: ….especially jogging..


CHUM:

PARDON?!!


GRRR:

ESPECIALLY JOGGING



CHUM

SORRY. YES. ESPECIALLY JOGGING…I OWE MY TRANSFORMATION TO YOU


GRRR:

THAT’S WHAT CHUMS ARE FOR


CHUM:

INDEED


GRRR:

AND CHUMS HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER, RIGHT?


CHUM:

RIGHT....



GRRR:

Well, TO BE HONEST, I do not enjoy..



CHUM:

WHAT?


GRRR:

WELL, I DO NOT ENJOY JOGGING ANYMORE


CHUM:

OH NO! JOGGING IS YOUR LIFE. It is to you what children is to Helen Keller..WHY NOT


GRRR:

YOU!



CHUM:

ME?!!! SERIOUSLY? I KEEP UP WITH YOU ALL THE TIME? COME ON BREAK IT TO ME GENTLY



GRRR:

I’LL TELL YOU. I’LL TELL YOU. FIRST OFF, TAKE THIS STUPID EAR PHONE FROM OUT OF YOUR EARS



GRRR YANKS EAR PHONE OUT OF CHUM'S EARS



CHUM:

OUCH!..I cannot jog without music in my ears



GRRR:

That’s the problem! I cannot interact with you because you have this STUPID THING BLARING MUSIC in your ears so I have to be SHOUTING ALL THE TIME, you shouting all the time. This is INSANE. it's not fun ANY MORE!



CHUM:

Sorry, but when I’m jogging, I just wanna hear my music, I don’t like interacting with anyone, including YOU



GRRR:

MY GOD, YOU'RE HONEST! So from now on, I’ll jog alone. You, GO JOG WITH YOUR MUSIC! What’s the point of jogging to get in shape then you get hit by a car because you CAN’T HEAR DANGER WHEN IT’S NEAR TO YOU. Jogging on the side-walk is NOT for you. You belong IN A GYM, where it's safe. In a gym, you don’t have to talk to anyone and you’ll not get hit by a car...



CHUM:

THAT’S NOT FAIR. I enjoy jogging with you



GRRR:

I DON’T ENJOY JOGGIN WITH YOU. JOGGING MEANS A LOT TO ME BUT YOU’RE RUINING IT FOR ME



CHUM: No need to shout. I can hear you better now. Since you have pulled the ear phone from my ears...Could we jog together again, if I use a speaker instead of the ear phone?



GRRR SIGHS HEAVILY, IMPATIENTLY


CHUM: Just asking. Jeez!



GRRR:

I agree that you keep up with me, but there are times when you slow me down..FOR INSTANCE, when you stop to change your playlist or check how much calories you have burnt. UGH!!!



CHUM

You never say. I'm really sorry. You should have told me


GRRR:

Well, I've told you now... You can jog without all that noise in your ears. It's your legs that are doing the work, NOT YOUR EARS. And tell me this; how much calories do you seriously think you can burn few minutes after we started jogging?



CHUM:(roars in laughter)

Remember, I'm new to this. I expect you to show me the way and to tell me when I do the wrong thing



GRRR:

It's fine to jog with your gadgets...



CHUM:

...So why are they problematic to you?



GRRR:

They are holding you back, slowing me down and posing a danger to you. You're not ready for them yet. Give it a little more time. They're not bad for you, you just need a little more discipline when using them


CHUM:

Okay chum...Your'e the expert



GRRR:

We're just a few minutes away from home now



CHUM:

Thank God. My legs feel painful and sore, and I'm starting to get both ear ache and headache. This pain could last for days. UGH!!!



GRRR:

Don't be a drama queen. Just have a beer when you reach home and you'll be fine in no time.


CHUM:

You think so? I thought of the same remedy but was afraid you'd tell me off.



GRRR

Well, what can I say?...see you tommorrow. Same place, same time

walking! driving! PHEW! what a week!

MONDAY


ARGH:

This traffic is not moving at all because of that IRS driver...driving so SLOW. IDIOT! UGH!


CHUM:

It's labour day, remember? Usually, I'm lazy on labour day....Let’s get out of the car and take the bus behind


ARGH:

NOT A BAD IDEA chum...Don’t think they’ll have any spare seats



PIERCING SIREN. BOMB DISPOSAL VEHICLE SHOTS PASS



CHUM:

This is our chance! Otherwise, we won’t make it to the game on time


ARGH:

I know. LET’S DO IT


CHUMS' CAR SPEEDS AFTER BOMB DISPOSAL VEHICLE


CHUMS: HURRAH!




TUESDAY

Policeman sending texts while patrolling in a car. He's been videoed by a motorist. Should be on youtube shortly.

Policeman stares back at motorist in defiance.


Motorist starts to write a text.


Policeman flashes his car light on him.



MOTORIST:

Go F..FLASH YOURSELF, I should report you to your superior, Ned Kelly



COP:

I'M NOT TEXTING; I'm just sending an email. Besides, you should stop watching me, this is not college footbal



**********
UGH:

CHUM, I can’t stand the rain. It’s gonna spoil the sidewalk's FIELD DAY festival. SHXT!


ARGH:

Grrr! Bad umbrella etiquette on the sidewalk is EVEN worse than the rain itself





WEDNESDAY


ARGH:

Grrr sidewalks are for pedestrians NOT bicycles. Bicycles MUST stay on the roads and watch the hell out for pedestrians and obey the traffic signals…


CHUM:

…AMEN!



CYCLIST:

I ride on the sidewalk to avoid annoying drivers, and this is my FUHING reward? I love Lucy BUT not you pedestrians



CHUM:

calm down



GRRR:

DAMN road works and motorists driving like LEARNERS!



CHUM:

TAKE A DEEP BREATH chum!



GRRR:

My horn and fingers never fail me, so I will be fine CHUM



CHUM:

I know the heat is unbearable and the traffic is hardly moving but ranting and raging...


GRRR:

...YOU! slept out most of the traffic so far, so you'll NEVER understand my anguish


CHUM:

I suggest we leave earlier NEXT TIME, put in a lady Gaga cd, make some calls with our Bluetooth headsets and FIX the AC in your car… I'm experiencing changes in my life, I can't STAND the heat anymore



GRRR:

GET OUT OF MY CAR! If you fiddled with the wires, the ac would work. GET OUT! Its quite cool outside!



CHUM:

Don't leave me in the middle of NOWHERE!....You can't leave me in the middle of nowhere!



GRRR FLINGS PASSENGER DOOR OPEN AND PUSHES CHUM OUT ON THE ROAD



GRRR:

I JUST DID. Bye!


CHUM:

I fiddled with the wires, but the stereo stopped working



GRRR:

Excuse, excuses. LISTEN! I just lost 45 minutes in this traffic; fixing AC is the LEAST of my problems. Anyway, you'll find it's VERY cool outside. I ENVY YOU! UGH!



THURSDAY

Vehicle's headlights settle on someone dancing in the middle of the road. WHAT A FOOL, thought the driver. Before he honks the horn to scare dancer out of the way, he is distracted by a motorist singing and dancing to a joel osteen song, in his car. The driver prefers to watch the dancer but he did not look back quickly enough to save him. CRASH!!!!




FRIDAY


UGH:

Grrr! Those kids should STOP walking across my lawn and use the FREAKING sidewalk. If there is no sidewalk, then they can walk in the street.



Chum:

Their djia dog is using your lawn as a toilet. Good dogs use the sidewalk


UGH:

Something is obviously wrong with this one. Do me a favor please....